


Golden child

by hifftn



Series: Summer wine [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Hinted Dub-con, nothing graphic though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-09-23 09:30:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9649781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hifftn/pseuds/hifftn
Summary: After the events in your hometown you finally settled into your new life at college. But you need a place to stay for the summer break and call the number Dean gave you before he left.





	1. To meet again

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in season 4. Sam and Dean are still trying to prevent the 66 seals to be broken.  
> I'm not a native English speaker, but I try :D

‘You will be mine or you will die. Choose.’  
‘Witch! You cursed us all!’  
‘I wouldn’t do anything to a kid like you.’  
‘There’s no kind god and no angels to save us.’  
‘I always… knew that… you were cursed…’  
The voices mixed, overlapped and faded again, only be replaced by others. All the fear, all the shame, all the hatred – you still struggled to get over it. Every night. At least the worst nightmares had stopped, Sam only visited your dreams from time to time, as one of many voices. As one of many nightmares.  
You were still panting when your eyes snapped open and your hand immediately reached for the pad and pen next to your bed. You squinted at the bedside lamp and started sleepily to jot down what you had dreamed about. It was a suggestion from your therapist and you had found it rather useful. At least those things wouldn’t be part of your next dream, although there was still more than enough other scary things lurking in your head, only waiting for you to fall asleep again. Once you had settled back in your bed you sighed and tried the other tip your therapist gave you. You imagined a nice scene, safe and serene. The river back home. You, floating in the water, the sun glittering on its surface. You did your best not to imagine a certain man next to you, instead it was your mother who swam with you.  
‘Watch out, angel, you don’t want the river to carry you off too far.’  
You smiled at the familiar warning she had always giving you when you both were swimming. And slowly you went back to sleep.  
You were glad that your days were busy. It saved you from thinking too much. Well, you were in college, so there was a lot of thinking, but not the scary kind. Your first year was almost over and one of your professors had already asked you to be his research assistant next year. Your knack for languages paid off, especially your Latin skills. And of course the fact that you had your nose in a book the moment the lectures were over. You had started your own research and your professors had already noticed since you had asked some very interesting questions after lectures.  
You already knew which field you wanted to get in one day, but your research was mostly about lore. Since you had learned the hard way that most of the scary tales of your childhood were actually not far off the truth you wanted to know more about it. And it would help you with what you actually wanted to become. A therapist.  
Not just any therapist, of course. No, you wanted to help those who had been traumatized by what actually shouldn’t even exist. Since your own nightmares were so intense, even now after almost a year, you were sure that there were a lot of people suffering out there, but unable to actually tell someone about it. No one wanted to be called crazy after all. But you wouldn’t do that. Someone would be afraid of the dark because monsters could lurk in there? You knew it’s true, not a psychosis. Someone couldn’t get over the fact that demons killed their whole family? Well, that is hard to get over. You understood.  
Some part of you was still confused and regretted learning the truth, but another part, fueled by stubbornness and determination, was glad. It gave you some purpose in life and you really needed that.  
Every now and then your thoughts would wander back to the handsome green eyed hunter, but you buried your silly crush under even more work. Eventually you didn’t even think as much about him anymore. Maybe someday you would be able to forget about him. After all he must have been dead by now…  
But Sam? You sometimes thought about him, about you, about the strange fact you had been drawn to him physically. Why did that demon in Mallory shape think you were the right girl for him? What did that babbling about your blood mean? That was a secret you yet had to disclose.  
For now you focused on your studies and dreaded the summer break. You would have to move out of the dorms for that time and although you still had the house back home – you hadn’t found a buyer for it yet – you didn’t want to put a foot back in there ever again. And you hadn’t made close friends yet, so no one who would offer you a place to stay for the summer. Well, you would cross that bridge when you got to it.  
Lately there have been brief moments of that feeling again. This churning in your guts, the feeling of being watched, the physical distress like back then… but since you knew for what signs you had to look you took that feeling seriously. Your roommate thought you were crazy when you poured a line of salt in front of every window and the door, but you explained her it was a surefire remedy against spiders and she immediately approved. It was strange that you had to lie about so many things that managed to keep you and others safe in the end, but you rather lied or got labeled as odd than closing your eyes and waiting for whatever was lurking in the dark to swallow you whole. Especially since Dean had told you that those demons back then only went back to hell. They could come back any time, in any form. You never left your house without a bottle of holy water – conveniently masked as a simple plastic bottle of drinking water – and some salt. They would never catch you unprepared again.  
The times for you finals came and went, kept you busy and your thoughts away from Dean. At some point you had called the number he had given you back then and timidly asked Mr. Singer for help with your summer break trouble.  
It turned out that he was a grumpy but actually really sweet older man who immediately offered his help, especially when he heard that you could read Latin and – since you had classes in college – even Greek.  
“Gonna help with some translations, will ya?”  
You chuckled. “I can even cook if you want to. But really, thanks. I had no idea where to go to, Mr. Singer.”  
“Drop that ‘Mr. Singer’ stuff, kiddo. Ain’t no one callin’ me that anyway. But I gotta tell ya that it ain’t fancy out here. Might be a bit boring for you.”  
“Boring is just what I need, don’t worry. I think I had enough excitement for a lifetime already. I’m actually looking forward to some quiet time between semesters.”  
It was just your luck that the universe heard you – and decided to put a spoke in your wheel. 

You drove all the way over after the last day of classes. It took you almost three days but it was okay, you enjoyed the ride. You stopped when you got tired or hungry and drove the rest of the time. You had music, you had the scenery and if you had had air condition it would have been perfect. When you reached the address Bobby had given you the first thing you saw was a huge pile of old cars. A junk yard. You had to think back to Dean and how he had fixed your car, without a word or charging you something.  
No. No, you had decided not to think about him anymore. That would be hard, especially since Bobby seemed to know him well, but if you managed it here it would be easy when you were back in college.  
You parked your car in front of the house and climbed out, stretched lazily after being coped up in it for so long. With your bag over your shoulder you walked to the door and knocked. Nothing happened. You waited a while and knocked again. You were confused, he should know that you were coming. After almost five minutes the door finally got opened. The man that looked at you seemed suspicious.  
“Bobby?” you hesitantly asked.  
“Yeah. Wait a second.” He disappeared for a moment and came back with a flask and a knife. “You know the drill.”  
You stared at him, waiting for an explanation until he sighed and grabbed your arm, poured liquid from the flask over it and grumbled something under his breath before he put the knife against your skin.  
“Hey!” You jerked your arm back. “What’s all that about?!”  
He frowned at you. “Gotta make sure ya not some… well, thing, disguising as a girl.”  
You were baffled. Ever since you had learned about demons and all the other creatures lurking in the shadows you had gotten more careful, but this? You took the knife and looked at him.  
“So, what should I do?”  
He hesitated, your determination startled him a bit. “Just a tiny cut.”  
You nodded and thought of a good spot that wouldn’t bother you. Arms were out of questions, legs, too. So you lifted the hem of your shirt a bit and pressed the knife against your belly until a tiny droplet of blood appeared. You quickly wiped the knife at your shirt and handed it back. Bobby looked at you a bit flustered but stepped aside.  
“Sorry. But ya know, better safe than…”  
“Sure, I get it. Your turn now.” You looked at him expectantly and he huffed a laugh.  
“You’re a feisty one, huh? I like that, kiddo.” He splashed some water on his arm and added a small cut with the knife. For a moment you both were silent before he grinned at you.  
“C’mon in, kiddo, no need to stand in the sun.” He led you inside and you looked around a bit. Lots of books, old furniture. The whole house seemed dark, wood and carpets in muted colors.  
“The guest room is upstairs and there’s a bathroom, too. If ya need anythin’, just tell me.”  
You followed him into the kitchen. There were a lot of telephones at the wall, each one with a label. You couldn’t help but read “FBI” on one of them but didn’t dare to ask.  
“So, you wanna rest up a bit first? Still got some work to do and I don’t think ya need a babysitter.”  
You smiled at him.  
“Sure, thanks. And I try to stay out of your hair as much as possible.” Another quick glance and you silently decided to go grocery shopping later. The least you could do was to cook for him like you had promised.  
The first dinner you made him was a classic: mashed potatoes, pork roast, some vegetables and of course some gravy. There was apple crumble with ice cream for dessert and you had even bought some imported beer. When he came to the table after you had called for him Bobby stopped in his tracks.  
“Kiddo, if I had known ya can make something like this I would have invited you sooner.”  
You grinned. This was the beginning of a great friendship.

After almost three weeks you felt more at home in his messy house than in your dorm room back at college. Bobby showed you more books about creatures and lore than you had ever imagined would even exist and you helped him with some tricky translations. You even started scanning some articles and making a monster database.  
He showed you how to change the oil in your car and you showed him how to make your special chili. He was grumpy and moody sometimes, but so were you. It was as if you had a grandfather, or at least you imagined it would be like this to have a grandpa. He explained you the purpose of all that telephones and you started to answer them like a secretary would. You tried to help him as much as possible in exchange for his hospitality. He never even brought up the topic of rent but you insisted on paying for groceries.  
So eventually you let your guard down, the armor that usually should keep you safe wasn’t necessary here. Until that day when you woke up in the morning to voices downstairs. You instantly felt that something was wrong. Your palms were sweaty, your stomach churned. Your skin crawled. You had never told Bobby how sensitive you were when it came to the presence of danger, that you could almost physically feel demons. But now you felt like back then in that basement, the paralyzing fear that almost suffocated you, made your chest tight and your breathing ragged.  
You grabbed your bottle of holy water and braced yourself for whatever was lurking downstairs, but you wouldn’t let Bobby face the danger alone. Not after he had been so kind to you.  
You slowly crept down the stairs, trying to make no sound.  
“Bobby, I tell you, these seals are everywhere! But this one – this one is special. Cas says when they break this seal there will be some kind of chain reaction that breaks several more. And I have no idea where to look for it.”  
That voice. Your heart raced. You inched closer to the doorway, trying to stay hidden but at the same time being able to see what was going on inside of Bobby’s dining room/library/conference room. You already felt the dread in your guts, the foreboding of something you couldn’t name.  
“But I told ya to stay away for a while. Can’t have ya running around here now,” Bobby grumbled, but he didn’t sound terrified. Just annoyed.  
You took another tiny step forwards, already able to see Bobby, but not the person he talked to, when you felt your skin tingling, the hair on the nape of your neck standing on end.  
“Hey.” The voice was so close, you immediately spun around and on splashed half of the bottle of holy water on your attacker. Who wasn’t an attacker.  
“Sam!” You yelled, adrenaline making you jumpy and he quickly took a step back to wipe his face.  
“Yeah, nice to see you, too.” He seemed slightly pissed, well, you had just doused him in holy water after all.  
Your heart was pounding but instead of relief at the familiar face the uneasy feeling just came back with full force. The commotion got the attention of Bobby and his other guest and when you turned back towards the doorway you saw another familiar face. With a shriek you dumped the remaining holy water on the older Winchester brother, just to prompt a loud laugh from Bobby.  
“Sweetheart, that wasn’t exactly necessary,” Dean simply said and shook his head, sending water droplet flying.  
“Told ya she wouldn’t take it well.” Bobby’s voice held a bit of satisfaction but you were too distracted by the sudden reunion to pay much attention.  
“Fuck! I thought you were dead by now!” You were angry, relieved, confused – and still filled with this strange feeling of fear and dread. Your little outburst left all three of them speechless, looking guilty. You stared at Bobby.  
“You knew. You knew it and didn’t tell me.”  
You might only know him for three weeks but you felt betrayed. You had talked about Sam and Dean and quickly found out that Bobby was rather fond of them. When you told him how Dean had fixed your car he had smiled and shared some stories of Dean and his first attempts of repairing cars. It had actually led to your first lessons on fixing a car and some oil change induced bonding with Bobby.  
“Sorry, kiddo, thought it would be better for ya not to get dragged into their mess.” He looked sincere but it wasn’t his decision, even if he had only your well being in mind. It was too late to keep you out of the hunter way of life, you had seen too much already, learned too much.  
You only looked back and forth between Bobby and Dean before you finally nodded.  
“Fine.” That was all you said. Instead you turned around, carefully avoided looking at Sam, and stormed upstairs into the guest room to quickly pack your stuff. Bobby wanted you away from the mess? Well, in the last three weeks you had been knee deep in some serious translations and even posed as FBI agent on the phone. Just because you hadn’t faced some nasty monsters didn’t mean you weren’t involved in this stuff at all.  
You dragged your bad downstairs and didn’t even glance at any of them on your way out.  
“Sweetheart? C’mon, don’t sulk.” You heard Dean’s voice but only shoved your bag into your car and got in.  
“Kiddo?” Bobby followed Dean out of the house just as you turned the key.  
Sam was the last of them to come out. He stared at you through the car window, several feet away but you felt as if he was directly staring into your soul. And not the pleasant kind of stare.  
He was the only one to call your name, your actual name. Your heart raced, your breathing hitched and afterwards you would blame the heat and the shock for it, but deep down inside you knew that Sam was the reason you fainted.


	2. The pure one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You learn about what the guys are looking for. Can you help them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, I know. Life and stuff :D

You woke up to voices arguing – again.  
“That’s why I didn’t want you two idjits around.” Definitely Bobby.  
“Yeah, sorry, but we had no frigging clue that she’s here. We wouldn’t have come if we knew. At least we wouldn’t have waltzed in like this.” Dean. You didn’t even have to open your eyes to know. But the constricting pressure in your chest was gone so you figured Sam wasn’t near. Whatever it was that had bothered you about Sam before, it got only worse.  
“Can you stop yelling and bring me a glass of water, please?” you groaned and opened your eyes. You were lying on Bobby’s couch, he and Dean were in the kitchen. Out of sight but within earshot. It was Dean who handed you a glass and looked at you, worry in his expression.  
“How are you feeling?”  
You downed the glass and sighed. “Like crap. What happened?”  
He rubbed the back of his neck and scrunched up his nose. “Not sure to be honest. You just blacked out. Were out for 20 minutes, maybe more.”  
You slowly nodded and closed your eyes again.  
“I thought you were dead by now,” you whispered quietly.  
He didn’t answer immediately and you knew he had one of those silent conversations, this time with Bobby. Well, not as quiet as the ones with Sam since they both gestured a lot. You could hear it and had to suppress a smile. You were still angry after all.  
“Actually I WAS dead. Not sure what happened, but somehow I came back. And not in the creepy zombie kind of coming back. Heck, I’m better than new! My old scars are gone and such.”  
Your eyes snapped open. “You really were dead? Really?”  
He just shrugged. “Dead and buried for – what was it? Four month? And suddenly I wake up in a field in the middle of nowhere, had no clue how I ended up there and what had brought me back.”  
You remembered that you had doused him in holy water, so at least he wasn’t some kind of demon. Still, it was unsettling to think he had been dead.  
“Don’t lose sleep about it, sweetheart, I won’t either. I don’t like to talk about it and I’m not here for a nice chat. We need Bobby’s help figuring something out and then we’re leaving again.”  
There was something different about him, he had changed, lost this laidback attitude you had envied so much back then. He seemed harder, darker. Almost desperate. Whatever it was that haunted him, it was way worse than your own burden.  
“Where’s Sam?” You finally got up, still careful but you couldn’t stay on this couch forever.  
“Supply run. Me and Bobby trying to figure something out…”He hesitated, clearly didn’t want to tell you more.  
“Really? You don’t want to tell me? Is it because you don’t trust me or because you think I’m not able to help?” you spat out. Yeah, you were pissed. First he and his brother popped up in your town, dragging you into some really strange mess, then they disappear, leaving you to belief that Dean would die, and now he was standing in front of you, alive and kicking, but treated you as if it had been someone else who had saved your asses back then with a really good idea and some logical thinking. But no, you weren’t part of this so there was no way you could help.  
“Whoa, easy, sweetheart. Don’t get your panties in a twist,” he joked but you only glared at him.  
“My panties are my personal business, don’t worry about them.”  
“Good god, kids! Now stop fighting, we got better things to do,” Bobby grumbled but you couldn’t help but feeling agitated. Haven’t you proved your worth already? To both Dean and Bobby?  
Dean sighed. “Okay, thing is, it’s not exactly safe hanging around me and Sammy, you know?”  
You rolled your eyes. “That much is obvious. Last time I ‘hang around’ you I almost got killed by a demon,” you pointed out.  
“Exactly. So it’s better you don’t know that much about what we are doing.”  
“Oh, please. Ever since I met you I’m completely paranoid! I have constantly the feeling that someone’s watching me, I carry salt and holy water around all the time and secretly test the people around me to make sure that they are actually human. I think I’m already in neck deep, thank you.”  
You knew it wasn’t his fault, what happened back then with Mallory and the demons in your home town would have happened if Dean and Sam hadn’t been there. Or at least Dean; you still thought that Sam had been somehow involved. After all Mallory had been looking for a bride for the ‘boyking’.  
“I see. I can’t get you to back down, can I?” Dean ran a hand through his hair and you simply shook your head.  
“Okay, maybe you can actually help us. Have you ever heard about the 66 seals?” He stared at you as if he could just reach into your brain and get the answer on his own.  
“No.” You had read a lot of stuff and learned so much in the last few months, but you haven’t ever heard about that. He sighed.  
“Basically we are racing some demons right now. There are seals all over the world, not actual seals but actions – it’s complicated. We have to prevent them to break 66 seals or…” He trailed off.  
“Or what?” You looked at him but he shook his head. “Or what?” you impatiently repeated and turned your gaze towards Bobby.  
“Apocalypse.” His voice was calm but sad. You needed a moment to process that.  
“Shit.” Hoping for this to be a joke you looked back at Dean. His jaw was tense, telling you that he was clenching his teeth. It was true. Holy shit!  
“Need help researching?” you immediately asked, looking back and forth between them.  
“Thing is, there are hundredths of seals but we are trying to find this special one. And we have some backup but he can’t find it either.”  
“Backup? Another hunter? Or someone who is researching for you?”  
He made a face. “It’s – complicated.”  
“Yeah, but what isn’t?” When he still didn’t answer you shrugged. “Okay, so what do you know?”  
“Practically nothing. He only said we have to prevent the purity from getting tainted.” Dean slumped down on in an armchair and threw his head back, resting it against the backrest.  
“Wow, not that is vague.” All this hunter business didn’t help with your sarcasm, but who cared? Definitely not you.  
“So what are we talking about? Pollution? Is there some river or lake or town called ‘Purity’? Maybe a spring somewhere?”  
“Not sure if we can take it literally,” Dean sighed and you nodded.  
“Would have been too easy, huh?” It was late and you still had to wrap your head around the fact that Dean had been resurrected from the dead so your mental capacity was rather limited. You couldn’t come up with anything.  
“Okay, I’m calling it a day. Let me sleep over this, maybe I can come up with something in the morning.”  
You got up and nodded once, a gesture Dean returned. Bobby got up to get two glasses and the whiskey you now knew was informally called “Hunter’s helper”, something you had not found a taste for, maybe because you were still so young – not even legal to drink after all – maybe because you still hadn’t seen enough to feel the urge to drown the memories in alcohol. Either way, you didn’t mind that they didn’t even ask you to join them. You were still a stranger after all, no matter how much time you had spent here or what you had been through with Sam and Dean. Just another case, just another girl. And for you it was just another place where you didn’t belong to. You still had to find the one place where you were welcome, where you belonged to.  
You were already at the stairs when you heard Dean calling after you.  
“Sweetheart? Good to see you’re okay.”  
You grabbed the banister tightly but didn’t answer. 

Of course the nightmares were especially intense this night. As soon as you fell asleep you were haunted by images of the events in that church basement. You saw how the neck of your cousin got snapped like a dry twig, you saw the black smoke filling the hall, entering innocent girls and turning them into vessels for demons. You saw their black eyes staring at you while your body fought against the demon that tried to possess you.  
And you saw Sam. Even in your dream you knew why that was, the encounter earlier had shaken you to your core, the fear and horror to the point that you blacked out needed an outlet and what was better suited than your dreams? So you had to go once more through all the things you had hoped to never see again, not in your dreams and especially not in reality. Sam’s hands on your body, rough and demanding, pinning you in place so he could force himself on you, his kiss bruising, his eyes cruel. You knew there was no use in trying to fight this dream, it had never made a difference. So you had to suffer through it and hope to wake up as soon as possible.  
It was a sound from the hallway that finally pulled you out of this dream, someone walked up the stairs, the steps heavy and loud.  
You needed a moment to realize that the dread in your lower stomach wasn’t a remnant of your dreams, it was because the steps belonged to Sam. He was coming back and you instinctively curled up under your blanket, trying not to make a sound so you wouldn’t attract his attention. You only dared to breathe again when you heard him walking past your door, further down the hall. You were covered in cold sweat, trembling, and your heart was racing. You cried, for the first time since forever, but sleep didn’t come back to you that night.

The next morning came too soon and you dreaded to face Sam. You weren’t even sure if you could stand being in the same room with him. If you felt this tension, this disgust, did he feel it, too? Was it mutual? And what the hell was going on? You had wondered ever since you first realized that you held these conflicting feelings for him. He had never done anything to deserve it, but you hated him. No, it wasn’t hate. It was pure horror. You couldn’t stand him.  
Dressed in jeans shorts and a loose shirt you trudged downstairs, towards the kitchen. In the last few weeks you had started making breakfast every morning and so far Bobby had been glad that you were there. Sure, he grumbled about the lack of bacon for breakfast when you tried to make him eat healthier, but you knew he liked having you around. So you heated up a pan and scrambled some eggs, toasted some bread and sliced fruit.  
While your hands were busy your mind wandered. Apocalypse… you had been prepared for this your whole life, growing up in a town that prepared for the Last Battle every day. But it still was unreal. The end of the world was near and you were making breakfast.  
“Mornin’, sweetheart.”  
Dean’s voice made you jump and shriek a bit.  
“Jesus, Dean! Stop sneaking up on me like that,” you grumbled, trying to calm your racing heart.  
He chuckled lightly. “Sorry. You were spacing out a bit. What were you thinking about?” He grabbed a mug and the coffee pot and poured himself a cup.  
“Uncle Hank,” you answered and took the pan from the stove. “Do you want breakfast?”  
“Sure. Who’s Uncle Hank?” He took the plate from you and you prepared another one before you sat down at the table.  
“The preacher. You remember his wife? Well, Uncle Hank was practically an expert when it came to the Apocalypse. He might have been able to give us a hint.” You absentmindedly chewed on your toast.  
“That Stella chick, what did they call her again?”Dean’s gaze rested on you, waiting for you to swallow your mouthful of food.  
“Golden child. And she wasn’t a chick. She was my cousin. And a bitch.” You took a sip of orange juice.  
“Not something like ‘pure one’?” At his tone you stiffened. You got what he was hinting at.  
“No… purity wasn’t an explicitly demanded condition. More of a matter of course.” You took another bite of your toast. “You think we’re looking for a person?”  
He shrugged. “Wouldn’t be surprised. But honestly, one person? That’s worst than looking for a needle in a haystack.”  
“Purity… you think it could be someone like the pope? Head of a church? Shouldn’t he be pure by definition?” You furrowed your brow and tried to remember what you had learned in Sunday school. Yes, you had to attend, even if it was just to give the other kids the chance to spit on you.  
Dean pointed with his fork at you. “I think you are at something there… oh, hi, Sammy.” He looked past you and even without him saying you would have known that Sam just had entered the kitchen. You suddenly lost your appetite and stopped eating, fighting the urge to throw up the bit of food you had so far.  
“Good morning. Hey, you feeling better today?” Sam sat down next to you and you just wanted to jump up and run out of the room.  
“Yes, thanks.” Your voice was strained and your smile tight. He furrowed his brow, obviously irritated but didn’t say anything, instead you picked at your food and pushed it around the plate with your fork.  
“Our little college girl here just had a very good idea.” Dean seemed oblivious to the tension.  
“Yeah, I heard. The pope, huh?” Sam shot you a doubtful glance but you simply stood up and put your plate away.  
“Or any other head of a church. A person without sin.” Another sudden idea hit you. “Oh god, you don’t think they will target babies, do you?”  
Into the following silence Bobby made his appearance, grumpily getting a cup of coffee and complaining about the lack of internationality in it.  
“What?” Dean seemed confused.  
“Not Irish enough,” you explained. “You can deal with him, I’m going to hit some books.” With that you practically fled the kitchen.


	3. Nightmares and daydreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmares just won't stop. But can you convince Dean that something is wrong with Sam?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A hint of dubcon in this chapter.

You tried avoid Sam as good as possible in the confined dimensions of Bobby’s house but you still saw him more often that you would have liked. You couldn’t eat when he was around, couldn’t drink, couldn’t focus. You hated it, the feelings as if some fog clouded your mind and your body just grew weak. You hated that imagines from your nightmares kept popping up in your head, of Sam how he kisses you, pins you against a wall, bends you over a table, pushes you down on a bed. Naked, glistening with sweat, while he slams into you again and again, making you scream, your nails leaving red marks all over his back, making you beg. Not for him to stop, though. For him to take you harder.   
You shook your head after having stared at Sam over a book for a while now. The imagines just didn’t stop and you hated yourself for being confused like this. It felt as if you were losing your mind after all, as if you lost control about your head and your body. When Sam caught you staring he flashed you a small smile that made you blush. Not because of the smile itself, you were embarrassed that you had been caught and that you just couldn’t stop thinking of him like that while his mere presence still made you sick. What kind of freak were you?!   
You made a quick break from research and headed into the kitchen to get a glass of water.   
“Maybe you should ask him out on a date,” Dean casually said, making you jump a bit.  
“Dean! Can you not scare me like this?” You placed a hand over your racing heart.   
“Sorry, sweetheart, but it’s not that I’m sneaking around. You are just too occupied to pay attention. Maybe because you have the hots for Sammy?” His teasing was more than you could take.   
“I have not ‘the hots for Sammy’,” you practically hissed.  
“Sure ‘bout that? I mean, you sigh all the time, stare at him and blush when he looks back at you. You should try harder if you don’t wanna anyone to notice. So what if you have a crush on him?“ Dean’s smirk made you mad.   
“You, Dean Winchester, have no clue about women!” You rushed off, let him stand there and hurried out of the house. You couldn’t stay inside any second longer, the presence of them almost suffocating. You stomped over the yard, cursing and grumbling under your breath.   
“Kiddo? That you?” Bobby poked his head out of an old shed and you flinched. Since when were you so easily scared?   
“Bobby? How did you manage not to strangle those jerks yet?” You were still agitated, frustrated. Too much had happened in too little time and the feeling of being on edge just wouldn’t fade.  
“What did those idjids do this time?” he asked with a defeated sigh.  
“Just being – being jerks.” You couldn’t put it into words and even if, wouldn’t it make you look just stupid? Like a little girl having a crush who ignores her?  
“Even Sam? I mean, Dean, he can annoy the heck out of a girl… but Sam? Don’t get me wrong, Sam does some stupid shit, but he usually stays clear from girls.” Bobby grabbed a rug and started cleaning something that looked like some spare part for a car. You looked around and plopped down on a pile of tires.  
“Sam is – I don’t know. Something’s strange about him and I’m not sure if it’s just me overreacting or if there’s really something. Maybe it’s just that he reminds me over and over about – about that time back then…” You closed your eyes and threw your head back, let the sun shine on your face to chase those dark shadows away. You knew it wasn’t that but you couldn’t tell anyone what you really thought. It was just too crazy.   
“Sam had a rough past… you know about their mom, right?” Bobby didn’t look but you nodded anyway.   
“So turned out it was a demon, and the same demon killed Sam’s girlfriend in college. Kid was almost having a normal life back then… and now he’s stuck in this shitty life, one shabby motel room after the other, trying to kill as many of those things lurking out there as possible.”  
You were silent for a moment. “My grandma used to say that the bad things that happen to us leave some kind of scar, something that sticks with us. Usually people can’t see it but some scars are so deep… do you think that’s it? That’s why he makes me so – uncomfortable?”   
“Might be.”   
“But it got so much worse since I last saw him.” It had been unpleasant before, but now it was almost unbearable.  
“Yeah? You mean after he lost his brother, the only family he had left? Would leave a big enough scar, don’t ya think? And then the brother comes back and they suddenly have to prevent the Apocalypse.”  
You sighed. Suddenly you felt like some stupid brat. There were much more pressing matters than you and the strange thing between you and Sam. Or the crush you had on his brother. Who had already made clear that he wasn’t interested. Hell, he had just tried to sell you off to his brother!   
Okay. You took a deep breath.   
“Sorry, Bobby. I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position. I know you care a lot for them.”   
“Nah, it’s fine. Sometimes venting a bit is helping a lot.” He put the spare part down. “Maybe you need a break. Might want to get some supplies. I wrote a list, it’s at the fridge.”  
You nodded and smiled weakly. It was his way of giving you time to cool off and you appreciated it.   
“I think we’re having spareribs for dinner,” you announced. “With mashed potatoes and homemade coleslaw. What do you say?”

It was awkward for a moment when you came back and you had to fight against the chills that ran over your body when you saw Sam, but neither of them said anything about your little tantrum – if Sam had even noticed. He was so focused on the books that you weren’t sure. Dean only gave you a short nod and you knew that things were okay between you. Or as okay as they could be in this situation. You started preparing dinner after you had put the things away that you had bought for Bobby. No whiskey of course, you weren’t allowed to buy that anyway.   
You had even made some chicken for Sam, knowing that he preferred healthy food, but Dean and Bobby were more than happy with the spareribs. It was nice to cook for someone who appreciated the food from time to time. And Dean knew how to appreciate food. He licked his fingers and sighed contentedly after putting the last bone down, neatly stripped of all the meat.   
“Sweetheart, that was delicious.”  
You huffed a short laughter. “Yeah, figured that much after your second helping.”  
“Kiddo, no joke, that was the best dinner I had – well, since that pot roast with the tiny potatoes you made the other day.” Bobby wiped his fingers with a napkin and you smiled at him.  
“You liked the tiny potatoes, I get it. I’ll make them again, don’t worry.” It was hard not to like Bobby. He reminded you of Harry, your former boss in the store. There had been times when you thought that Harry and your grandma could be something more than just friends, a couple maybe. But they never were, at least not as far as you knew. Still, Harry had been like a grandfather to you and you had liked him very much. Just like Bobby he had been a bit grumpy at the outside, but was really sweet and caring.   
Sam simply flashed you a polite smile. “Yes, thank you for cooking. It was really good.” You suppressed the shudder when you took his plate from him. While you cleared the table the guys started talking.  
“So far no luck with the whole ‘purity’ thing.” Sam sighed and ran his hands through his shaggy hair.  
“Maybe we are really taking it too literally. What if it’s allegorical?” You had been thinking about it a lot. “Something that symbolizes purity?”  
“Like what?” Dean had gotten a glass and a bottle of whiskey.   
“Dunno. Unicorns maybe?” You felt stupid when they all burst out into laughter.  
“Unicorns? Really?” Dean couldn’t stop chuckling.   
“What? Aren’t unicorns a thing?” It was still difficult for you to understand why some myths were only myths and some were real. And why mostly the scary things turned out real.   
“Never saw one,” Dean said with a shrug. “And never heard of one, either.”  
“Well, maybe you are just not qualified to see a unicorn,” you smugly replied. “You know what they say about them.”   
Sam laughed and even Bobby chuckled.   
“So if we are looking for an unicorn you would be our best bet, huh?” Dean raised his eyebrow and looked at you, making you blush.  
“Wha-?!” You couldn’t even think of a witty retort before Bobby grabbed the bottle of whiskey.  
“Ain’t no thing as unicorns. They don’t exist. But you’re right, might be allegorical. So what else is a symbol for purity?”   
You thought about it.   
“Silver. Virgin Mary. Holy water. Some flowers like lilies and lotus.” You had learned a lot in the last year, although you had never thought it would come in handy.   
“Silver and holy water. Things we use against demons.” Sam nodded slowly.   
“Yeah, but that doesn’t help us. I mean, it’s not really a clue.” You sighed and avoided his gaze. You chuckled suddenly. “I can’t stop thinking about this Eddie Murphy movie. You know, ‘The Golden Child’? What if we are looking for a Tibetan boy?”   
They stared at you. Dean rolled his eyes and groaned, Sam huffed a short laughter.   
“Kiddo, maybe it’s time for bed for you.” Bobby gave you a look that said ‘now you lost your mind’ but you couldn’t stop giggling.   
“Sorry, sorry… was just a thought.”   
You left for bed soon after, hoping that you would dream better this night. 

You hadn’t slept for long when you heard your door being opened. Immediately your body froze and you didn’t even have to look who just came silently into the room to stop in front of the bed.   
“Don’t pretend to be asleep.” Sam’s voice sounded harsh, not like his usual gentle self. No matter what his presence made you feel, so far he had never been anything else than polite towards you. Almost caring back then in that basement. Or when he popped your shoulder back in. Always afraid to hurt you, to accidentally grab you too hard. But this? You could hear it in his voice. This was completely different.  
“’The Golden Child’. Wasn’t that what they called the chosen one back in your hometown?”  
You breathed a tiny “Yes”, your voice shaking and so was your body.   
“I know you think that your cousin was the one – but what of not? What if it was someone else? Or better, what if it WILL be someone else?” He sat down at the edge of your bed, trapping you between him and the wall. But he didn’t touch you. He was just – looming over you.   
“What do you mean?” This must be a dream. Another one of those nightmares. You instantly relaxed a bit at this realization. This was a dream so there was no need to be afraid.   
“Well, her purpose was to give birth to the savior, right? What if that the child of the chosen one will really be the answer?”   
Your eyes slowly got used to the darkness and you could see Sam’s silhouette. He was looking directly at you and you were staring at him. Just a dream.   
“In that case it would be good to find the chosen one, or not?” You weren’t sure what he wanted to hear from you but you figured you would wake up sooner if you just played along.   
“And what if I have already found her?” Before you could answer he had pinned your hands to the bed above your head. His body was covering yours, the light sheet you were sleeping under still between you. But something was wrong. You shouldn’t be able to actually feel the pressure of his hand around your wrists, and also not the strange tingling you felt whenever Sam touched you. This felt far too real to be a dream and there was only one explanation for it: this wasn’t a dream after all.   
You wanted to scream but Sam’s lips covered yours, his tongue roughly thrusting into your mouth. You almost chocked, your throat was tight, constricted. Your mind froze for a second there but your body immediately took action. You jerked your head back, tried to turn your face away to break the kiss while you fought against his weight on top of you. He tried to keep you down but you managed to get your hands free and pushed against his chest with all you might. Much to his surprise – and yours, too – you didn’t only manage to push him off you, no, you shoved hard enough for him to fall from the bed. You scrambled up and turned on the light, reaching for your holy water just to see Sam staring at you, his eyes wide, the pupils blown.   
“Are you high or something?! What the fuck are you doing here!” You yelled loud enough to alarm Bobby and Dean who found you with your back against the headboard of the bed, panting, the bottle with holy water pointed at Sam like a weapon, the sheets crumbled into a pile on the floor, next to Sam. He was sitting there, dumbfounded, looking around as if in trance.   
They came storming in like the cavalry, Dean with a gun in hand, Bobby followed with a machete.   
“What’s going on here?!” Dean looked back and forth between you and Sam, trying to figure out if he had to shoot anyone.   
“Sammy? You fell out of bed? Or did you two have some kind of lover’s spat?”   
You glared at him but you noticed that Sam seemed somewhat disorientated.   
“You better take him out of here now and if you could that without being a stupid jerk, that would be great.” Your voice was still shaky and so were you legs. Poor Bobby was left with the task of calming you down.   
On his way out Dean looked over Bobby once and chuckled.  
“That your pjs?” He raised an eyebrow at the flannel pajamas Bobby was wearing.  
“You know what? The kid is right. You better shut up now.” 

You refused to tell Bobby what exactly had happened, you wanted Dean to join you first. No way you would tell this strange story more than once. And you needed a moment to process what had just happened, that your nightmares had actually become real. Well, at least not to full extent, but close enough for you to still shiver even when you were already sitting in the living room with a glass of whiskey and water.   
“He’s out like a light. Now spill it, what happened?” Dean didn’t sit down, he stood in front of you, arms crossed in front of his chest. Yeah, talk about intimidating. You already knew that he would blame you in the end. Everyone always did.   
“You won’t believe me…” You took a sip of the watered-down bourbon and made a face. That stuff was disgusting. You’d rather have some of grandma’s wine but that was long gone by now. So you forced yourself to take another sip, let the warmth of the alcohol burn down your throat and settle in your stomach.   
“Try me.” He was staring at you, all hard edges and silent accusation and you glanced over at Bobby who only nodded.   
“I have no fucking clue what happened, okay? I was sleeping and next thing I know is that Sam rambled on about that ‘golden child’ joke I had made and suddenly he just – he just went for it. Pinned me down and kissed me.”  
“When I said you should ask him out I thought about a movie or some drinks, but okay, I’m not judging you.” Dean shrugged and you almost lost it.  
“Now listen up you dumbass, I am not and never have been in love with Sam, okay? I have no crush on him, I don’t pine for him, I don’t even like him. So could you please, PLEASE, stop making these stupid couple’s comments, because honestly, I think there’s something seriously wrong with Sam and it’s not making things easier for me to explain you when you start turning everything into your own private joke.” You barely suppressed your anger and frustration but still managed to get that out in one go, without having to stop to calm down in the middle. That was better than you had expected.   
“What do you mean, there’s something wrong with him?” Dean narrowed his eyes on you. So this was the moment you had feared, he would brush off your worries and blame you for everything. You braced yourself for it before you explained what you meant.  
“Ever since I first saw him he scared the shit out of me. I told you about those nightmares, right? I told you that I was dreaming about Sam doing things to me, and I’m talking about bad, really bad things.” You put the glass down and rubbed your eyes. After a deep breath you continued.   
“Whatever it was that made me feel like this, it’s even worse now. And Sam, he’s so different. I mean, his eyes and – do you think he’s doing drugs?” There. You said it.  
“Drugs? Like what? Weed?” Dean seemed confused.  
“Maybe. Or something harder. Honestly, I have no idea, but everyone keeps telling me he’s a good guy and wouldn’t just do things to girl. I mean, whatever he tried to do earlier, he only stopped because I kicked him out of bed. And his eyes were huge, his pupils blown even after I turned on the lights. And he looked so confused…”   
It was a logical conclusion but you knew it wasn’t the reason. No drug could explain the feelings Sam invoked in you. But as long as you had no explanation for that you wouldn’t throw accusation around. And you had doused him in holy water already, so he at least wasn’t a demon.   
“So you’re saying that Sammy is a junkie?” Dean’s tone was serious. You had already had an idea about how protective he was about Sam but this was the first time it was directed at you.   
“I’m saying something is off with him and this explanation is better than him being possessed or something, because when I think about my nightmares I’d say that he’s turning into a freaking demon and that really scares me.”   
“Have you ever thought that maybe it’s you who’s the problem? Maybe there’s something wrong with you and not him.” The way he looked at you, the tone of his voice – you had no idea how you could have ever thought he might return your feelings.   
“Every single day.” You looked up at him and damn, you were tired. Tired of holding those tears back, of doubting yourself, of pining for someone you thought was dead. Tired of fooling yourself.   
You flashed him a sad smile and got up, avoiding getting close to him.  
“I’m off to bed. I’m going to lock my door tonight. And I’m leaving tomorrow.”   
There was no use in staying. Dean didn’t want you here, you didn’t want to be around Sam. You would thank Bobby for his hospitality and find another place to stay the remaining time of your summer break.


	4. Angels and demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are things about Sam you didn't know. There are things about the world you didn't know. After learning some of them things might make more sense. Or not.

You had no idea how you should go back to sleep after everything that had happened but you couldn’t stay under Dean’s stern gaze, although Bobby called after you. You could hear him argue with Dean but didn’t want to stay close enough to actually be able to understand what they were talking about. You knew you had no place here and couldn’t expect anyone to take your side after all. So when you reached your room – after carefully checking that Sam wasn’t inside – you started packing your stuff. Again.   
Sometimes you really wondered of God hated you. There was no other explanation for everything that had happened to you so far, for the fact that all the good things in your life had been taken from you so you were left alone, in hostile surroundings, no one who actually cared for you. Yeah, way to go. Getting all depressed now wouldn’t help you at all. You quickly wiped your face and stuffed some clothes into your bag when you heard someone knocking at the door.  
“Go away!” You weren’t in the mood to get yelled at some more, you just wanted to be alone to figure out what to do next.  
“I can’t. C’mon, lemme in.” Dean of course. He sounded actually a bit guilty but you wouldn’t cave in just like that. You braced your back against the door to keep him from entering.  
“No. You said what you wanted to say, I get it.”  
He turned the doorknob but couldn’t get in, you pushed against the door with all your might, keeping it shut.   
“I came to apologize, okay? I might have been a bit harsh.”   
You felt how he tried to push the door open, to no avail.   
“What the-?! Have you pushed something in front of the door?” He tried again but then gave up. You heard a sigh and thud, figured he must have plopped down on the floor, his head against the door.   
“The thing is, I get a bit touchy when it comes to Sam.”   
“Yeah, I noticed.” You couldn’t help your bitchy tone. You were still standing with your back against the door, but your body relaxed slowly.   
“And I didn’t know that you feel that uncomfortable around him. I remember you telling me about your nightmares, but not really what it was about. So, was it about – about this earlier? About Sam and you…?” He trailed off and you sighed.  
“Yeah. Kinda. It’s-“ You exhaled and took another deep breath. “Usually he just – you know, does things with me and I don’t want them, but I can’t… I just can’t seem to fight it. And a part of me likes it but the biggest part of me is just terrified. It’s so confusing…” You clenched your teeth to not start crying.  
“He told me that he dreamed of you, too. Not what he was dreaming about, just that you were there. I thought… well, I thought that could mean something. Like you were soulmates or stuff like that.”  
You chuckled briefly, a tired and sad sound.   
“What are you? A teenage girl?” You slid down the door now until you were sitting on the ground.  
“He said he felt drawn to you. And the way you look at him all the time, these sneaky glances? I thought you might feel something for him, too.”  
Oh, you were feeling a lot for him, but nothing remotely romantic.   
“He’s a good guy. I know you won’t believe me, but he is. He deserves the world.” Dean’s voice conveyed so much love for his brother that you would have smiled if it wasn’t for the situation. Instead a shiver ran over your body at these words. It just felt odd.   
“You know, I don’t think he really likes me. If his dreams are like mine he should feel disgusted. Or he must be really twisted.”   
Dean sighed. “Did he – did he hurt you?”  
You looked down at your wrists, red and bruised where Sam had grabbed them. You wondered if there were more bruises on your body but didn’t want to check. Somehow that would make everything just worse. Scarier. Real.   
“A bit,” you admitted.   
“I’m sure he didn’t mean to,” Dean said quietly.  
You thought about the confused expression on Sam’s face when you had turned on the lights.   
“Yeah, me, too. And isn’t that even scarier? Because that means he had no control…”  
You were sobbing now, the tears finally forcing their way out.  
“Sweetheart… lemme in…” He sounded softer now, gentler. You simply scooted over to the side and reached up to turn the doorknob, let the door swing open. Dean came in without hesitation.  
“Wow, I would have bet that you had blocked the door with something,” he remarked, somewhat surprised.  
“Maybe you are just not as strong as you thing you are.” Your feebly attempt of joking was ruined by your sobs and he pulled you into a tight hug.  
“I’m sorry for saying stuff like that.”   
You clung to him, your face pressed into the soft fabric of his shirt. It took a while before you calmed down enough to stop crying and when you wiped your face with your hands Dean suddenly touched your wrist lightly. You immediately hid your hands behind your back, a stupid and childish reaction, but you didn’t want him to see your bruises.   
“Did Sam do that?” The words were barely audible and you only nodded, unable to form words. You saw how his jaws ticked, how he practically buzzed with anger.  
“You think you can sleep?”   
You shrugged. You were so exhausted and tired, your body wanted the rest but your mind was still reeling.   
“Want me to sleep here? With you?”  
You almost laughed at the irony, at the similarity to that night in the motel room when you crawled into bed with him, scared and searching for comfort.   
“I’m not that kind of girl,” you said with a tired smile.   
He stared at you for a moment before he smiled back. “I know. Just wanting to offer now before come into my bed later.”  
He remembered. There was a strange feeling of affection, of gratefulness and pride. He remembered you.   
“You’re sharing a room with Sam, so don’t worry, I wouldn’t come.”   
“Another reason to offer it now.” He still looked at you, waiting for a decision.   
You nodded and made your way over to the bed, let him close the door and turn off the light. Once you had settled down he joined you, fully dressed and above the covers. You turned your back to him and he was lying on his back, staring into the darkness of the room.  
“Don’t leave tomorrow.”   
You smiled again. “I won’t.” Somehow you managed to fall asleep. 

When you woke up in the morning, feeling sluggish and exhausted, you were alone. You hadn’t really expected anything else but it still hurt somehow. Well, he had never said he liked you and apart from that one kiss back then in front of that shabby motel there had never been anything between you. And even that kiss had been out of pity more than anything else.   
You forced yourself out of bed and out of your room, constantly afraid of running into Sam. You knew sooner or later you would have to face him but if you could avoid it for now you would. You had no luck.  
Sam was already sitting in the kitchen, looking the worse for wear, jumping up when you came in.   
“I am so sorry about last night,” he instantly began, his puppy eyes sad and the crease between his brows deep like the Grand Canyon. “I have no idea what got into me. It was as if, as if I-“  
“As if you were possessed?” You stood in front of him, arms crossed in front of your chest. You didn’t want to talk to him, especially not about last night. You wanted him to leave you alone.   
“No, not really. I have been possessed before and it was different.” He shrugged and you looked at him in surprise. He had been possessed?   
“When?” It would explain a lot of things.   
“Two years ago. Before we got our tattoos.” He seemed to feel guilty but you didn’t care. That had been before you met them, he already had the tattoo when they stopped by your store. He even had that tattoo in your dreams.   
“But last night? That was different. I – I didn’t want to scare you. Or hurt you.” His gaze dropped to your wrists and you sheepishly hid them again. As if it had been your fault. As if you were the one who should be ashamed.   
Sam ran his hands through his hair and sighed, an almost desperate gesture.   
“Look, I’m not sure what happened, but it felt like – like sleepwalking. It was hazy and just didn’t feel real.”   
“It felt mighty real to me,” you answered. “Sam, I’ve been dreaming similar stuff of you since we first met, but last night was not a dream and honestly, that freaks me out! God, I can’t even look at you without wanting to throw up!”  
A hurt expression flashed over his face before he dropped his head a bit, his hair hiding parts of his face from your view.   
“And you know what really scares me right now? Believing that you didn’t do that on purpose because that means that something else controlled you and that Dean and Bobby telling me what a good guy you actually are mean nothing because no matter how good you are, something inside of you isn’t. And I’m not sure if I can fend you off again when this happens again, because I’m not sure if you knew it, but you are a giant and probably twice as strong as I am!”   
You were shaking, from fear, anger, frustration. You knew you were getting louder and louder until you practically yelled at him and some rational part of you knew that it wouldn’t change anything and Sam was probably not even to blame, but you needed to get rid of this tension, this slowly rising terror.  
“See, that is what bugged me since yesterday,” Dean’s voice suddenly rang out behind you, making you jump. “How did you throw him off the bed?”  
“What?” You turned slightly, feeling caged.   
“You pushed him off? That huge guy? And you held the door shut when I tried to open it. You tore handcuffs apart. And I’m not entirely sure, but I think you managed to wrestle a demon. And you won.” Dean walked inside, almost strutted, and looked at you, his green eyes slightly narrowed, his head tilted a bit.   
“Adrenaline?” You weren’t sure what he wanted to hear, what you could say in the first place. Did you really do all that?   
“Adrenaline? Really?” He didn’t believe you, it was evident in his gaze. Sam still looked at you with furrowed brows.   
“What else? What – what do you think?” You were afraid to ask, because his answer couldn’t be a pleasant one. Not for you.  
Dean smiled wryly and jutted his chin forwards.   
“I think we found our seal.”   
You stared at him dumbfounded. “What?”  
“That purity thing, that’s you, right? I mean, demons can’t possess you, but somehow they target you anyway. I’m sure there’s something about you.” He quickly glanced over to Sam and nodded once, obviously prompting him to say something.   
“Yeah… so you don’t like being around me?”   
The way he asked almost broke your heart, like some sad puppy, but the uneasiness was still stronger. No compassion from your side for Sam.  
“No. You literally make my skin crawl.” There was no sugar coating it and you had the feeling that honesty was the best choice now.  
“And do you feel like that only around me?”  
You swallowed, your throat felt dry. Being close to Sam didn’t help you at all with serious conversations. You only wanted to get through with it already so you shook your head.   
“I can feel them. Demons. I can feel when they are near.” Your voice was thin and trembling, you knew that something must be off with you if you were able to feel that.   
“Okay, I know that sounds crazy, but I think I know why that is. I have some demon blood in me.” Now he really seemed to feel guilty, he couldn’t meet your eyes and even avoided Dean’s.   
“Demon blood? Is that different from being possessed?” In the bright morning light in this kitchen this conversation felt so unreal, but the dread in your guts told you it was true. That must be the reason why you felt like this around Sam.   
“When Sammy was a baby a demon fed him a drop of his blood. The same demon that killed our mother. The same that tried to make him into a soldier for them.” Dean grabbed your arm when your trembling legs couldn’t support you anymore.   
“That’s what’s bothering you with him. Because you are pure and the drop of demon blood in him is enough to freak you out.” He seemed pleased with own deduction but you shook your head.  
“Okay, I get that demon blood thing – although it’s gross, sorry, Sam – but I think you’re wrong about that purity seal. I’m pretty sure that’s not me.”   
“Lemme call an expert. He might be able to tell us if you are or not.” Dean and Sam shared another look – that was really getting old now – and Dean helped you out of the kitchen.   
“Where’s Bobby?” you asked as Dean sat you down on the couch.   
“Supply run.”  
“More whiskey? Because I think I might need some now…” You felt miserable and this whole seal thing wasn’t helping any.   
“Don’t worry, if you are the seal we will protect you. But whatever happens next, don’t freak out, okay?”   
He peered into your face and you automatically nodded. There wasn’t much left that could freak you out at this point anyway. Dean nodded back, satisfied with your reaction.  
“Castiel? Cas, man, we need your down here. I think we found the seal.” You watched Dean talking into thin air and for a moment you feared you weren’t the only one who had lost their mind. But suddenly a man appeared next to Dean, wearing a trenchcoat.   
Your eyes went wide. Dean looked at you as if to say ‘everything’s fine, don’t freak out’. But you couldn’t help it. You pointed a trembling finger at that man, Castiel how Dean had called him.  
“You….” You couldn’t wrap your head around it. This was impossible, right?   
“It’s okay, sweetheart, he’s not a demon. I know this popping up without warning can be a bit shocking, but I swear he’s okay. Not a demon.” Dean came over to you and wrapped an warm around your shoulders but you shook him off.  
“No… I can see that he’s not a demon. But-“ You were stammering, your mind raced, your heart pounded furiously.  
When Castiel looked at you, his blue eyes sparkling with something more, a power that you couldn’t grasp, you thought you would die.   
“Holy Lord…” you breathed. “You – you are… you’re an angel.” You didn’t noticed the surprised look on Dean’s face because all you could see was this man, this angel, with his huge wings and the almost blinding halo.   
“Wait, you can tell?” Dean’s voice sounded slightly muffled and you wondered if that was because of the power in the air that seemed to make breathing difficult.   
“Of course I can tell! I mean, look at him! Those wings, the light… I thought there were no angels!” You tore your gaze from the completely expressionless face of that angel and turned to Dean. He was still handsome, almost beautiful but in comparison with Castiel Dean was only a human. A man.   
“You said angels weren’t a thing! You said there was no hope!” You screamed at Dean who took a step backwards, his gaze moving back and forth between you and Castiel.   
“How can you see him? What are you?” Dean now focused on you. Shaking your head furiously you sobbed and slumped down on the floor. This was too much. Angels and demons.   
“Good question. I think I know the answer.” The gravelly voice had some strange echo in your head, making you whimper.   
“Cas? Is it because she’s the seal?” Dean obviously didn’t know what to do but you couldn’t help him, you tried to curl into a small ball, the power that Cas emitted was too much for you.   
“The seal? Definitely not. She’s far from purity after all.” You heard footsteps and saw black shoes and suit pants when you opened your eyes.  
“Get up, abomination. Or I’ll smite you here and now.”


	5. Meet the family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A revelation leads to more questions and research leads to unexpected answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. Life and stuff. I hope I get back into writing this now because I really want this story out of my head after all. Unfortunately it requires a bit of research and even more making up while going on with it... Anyway, have fun! Thanks for reading!

“Cas, man, we talked about that smiting stuff! Stop scaring her!” Dean helped you up and shielded you a bit from the angry glare of the angel. An actual angel. You needed a moment to wrap your head around this, but it didn’t surprise you that he didn’t like you. That was just your life.   
“Step aside, Dean, you don’t know what you are dealing with.” Honestly, this angel had no chill. You shivered, the events of the last two days definitely took their toll on you.   
“Yeah? Then tell me, because all I see is a girl scared to death!” Dean was furious but the angel seemed unmoved.   
“She’s not a girl. She’s an abhorrent creature, an abomination in the eyes of my father.”   
“She’s a girl! For God’s sake, Cas, she’s just a girl!” Dean yelled and you couldn’t help but whimper, all the aggression in the room, the oppressiveness had you finally crying.   
“She’s a naphil. Not a human.”   
A naphil. A naphil?  
“What?” Dean was still angry, but now he also was confused.  
“Nephilim…” you whispered. That was insane!  
“Nephilim? What’s that?” Dean’s gaze flitted between you and the angel back and forth.   
“Half human, half angel,” you explained weakly. Growing up in an ultra religious town, led by a cult, had some perks. “They are… mentioned in the bible…” You still couldn’t breathe freely, still couldn’t look up at the angel.   
“So what? You’re half angel? Why should that be a problem? Cas, shouldn’t you be glad? You’re what? Her uncle?”   
If you had looked up you would have seen the startled glare the angel gave Dean who still couldn’t understand the extent of this sudden revelation.   
“Dean, they are – nephilim are supposed to be trouble. They – they shouldn’t even exist in the first place, they go against nature, against the laws of heaven.” Choking these words out took all the strength you had.   
“She is right. Her mere existence is blasphemy.” But somehow his burning fury seemed to fade a bit, at least enough for you to take a deep breath. The air felt like it was black smoke, the kind that came from a fire, not the demon kind of smoke. Not that this was any better.   
“So what? You have to kill her because one of your brothers wasn’t careful enough?” Without Dean’s hand in the small of your back and his other arm around your shoulders, pulling you against his chest protectively, you wouldn’t even be able to stand anymore.   
“One of my brothers made a grave mistake, this is beyond your comprehension. She cannot be allowed to live.” His gaze burned through you.  
“Bablon ipuran rit enay,” he rasped and you shivered again.   
“I’m not wicked,” you whimpered, prompting a questioning gaze from Dean.   
“What was that?”   
“Enochian. Even for a half blood it should be easy to understand. That is not impressive at all,” Castiel dismissed your answer. “We cannot waste time with her. She has to die right now.”  
“Are you completely nuts now? She’s not even a threat, I mean, she actually helped us! More than once so far!” Dean’s shouting didn’t show any effect on Castiel, but it lured someone else. You could feel the tension in the air increasing even further, your eyes went wide when you realized that you wouldn’t be able to handle this now.   
“What’s going on in here?” Sam’s voice barely cut through the fog that was slowly clouding your mind, but your body immediately reacted to his presence. The goose bumps got worse, your stomach churned and you trembled hard in Dean’s arms. Castiel’s gaze flew towards Sam, back to you and suddenly he was gone. Just like that.   
You would have been relieved but the sudden loss of tension in the room made you faint before you even realized it. 

“You really have to stop doing this,” you heard Dean say when you opened your eyes. “Honestly, sweetheart, that’s taking years of my life every time.”  
You only groaned and slowly tried to get up. The ceiling belonged to Bobby’s living room, and there was a couch underneath you.  
“What-?” You groaned again at the heavy headache. “What happened?”   
“Cas went a bit overboard but I think you’re safe for now.” Dean frowned a bit but helped you getting into a sitting position.  
“Yeah? What makes you think that?” You couldn’t really believe that the angel was a fan of you all of sudden.  
“You are still alive.” He shrugged. “Cas usually makes short work of anyone he deems a serious threat.”  
“Good to know.” You tilted your head back and rested it against the backrest, willing your head to stop throbbing. It didn’t work. “Man, and here I thought my last uncle hated my guts. At least he didn’t try to smite me.” Your lame attempt of joking had Dean huff a dry laugh.   
“Sorry. I really thought… you know, I thought calling Cas would help us. I thought you were-“  
“What? The chosen one? Apparently not, although I could have told you that. I’m not a seal, Dean.” You sighed and closed your eyes.  
“No. You are – what was it called again?”  
“Nephilim. They – WE are called nephilim. Half angel, half human.” You shook your head lightly and sat up strait. “That must be the reason I react to demons like that. Is there – do you have any literature about them? Us? Me? Whatever.” You only knew what you had read in the bible and some religious texts. And that wasn’t much.  
“Sam’s already at it. Bobby should be back soon so we better tell him. He doesn’t like not being in the know.” Dean had been standing in front of you so far but now he sat down next to you.   
“You know… if it wasn’t for me the angels would probably not even know about you.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  
“You know, if it wasn’t for you I would be dead in some basement,” you pointed out and he chuffed another not amused laugh.   
“You might have made it out there on your own. But angels?” He shook his head slowly and you felt like slapping him.  
“Hey, jerk! Stop taking the blame for MY misery, okay? And it would be nice to get some comfort instead of delivering me a death sentence! Maybe we can find out something about nephilim and maybe, just maybe, that will help me understand some things and explain your feathery friend that I’m NOT a threat to humanity.” With every last ounce of strength – mostly fueled by anger and frustration – you jumped up and stalked out of the room only to slump against the wall outside. That had been too exhausting.   
“You okay?”   
You jumped at Sam’s voice, wondering briefly just how exhausted you had to be not to immediately react to him like you usually would.  
“No,” you honestly said and gave him a crooked smile. “But there’s nothing I can do about it now. Just – gimme some space, okay?”  
He nodded and stepped a bit back. “I’ve found something in some books, but not much. If you want to I can just write everything together and you read it once you feel better.”  
You acknowledged his efforts with a short nod before you pulled yourself together and staggered over towards the stairs.   
“I just need some sleep. Tell Bobby I’m fine, okay?” 

At least you didn’t dream about Sam. That was the good thing. The bad thing was that you dreamed about your mom, when she was a young girl, not even 20. You knew the moment you saw her that it wasn’t an ordinary dream, especially when you saw her kissing a man – a man with wings. They were huge and golden, some silvery patches on the lower part. This must have been your father – an angel in the body of a human.   
Wasn’t that was you were, too? A part of an angel, but looking like a human? Why did it make you an abomination as Castiel had called it when it seemed so normal for an angel? And wasn’t it the plan of God for angels and humans to live together peacefully? Or maybe not live together since angels were in heaven after all.   
Your dream changed and you saw Castiel again. His wings and halo were still blinding, but since this wasn’t real it was easier for you to look at him. He still was intimidating, though.   
“I didn’t think I would be able to reach you like this.” His voice was unchanged, gravelly and almost without any emotion.   
“Why shouldn’t you? It’s just a dream. Just my sub conscience trying to process what happened today.”  
“No. This is not only a dream. This is me talking to you in your sleep. Now that I know where to find you it is easy. You have been hidden from heaven for too long already.” He was standing right in front of you, raised a hand and pressed his index and middle finger against your forehead. For a moment you were afraid your head would explode and that maybe this encounter would carry over in the real world, that he would actually kill you in your dream. But instead he furrowed his brow and let his hand drop again.  
“Like I have assumed. Someone has concealed your existence by imprinting Enochian sigils. Probably your father.” He stepped back, leaving you confused and with too many questions, but he was vanished before you could even open your mouth.   
When you woke up your head felt muddled, but at least the pain had subsided. You padded downstairs for a glass of water only to find Bobby hunched over a book.  
“Kiddo, the guys told me. Dunno how to say it, but you’re knee deep in shit.” Sugar coating definitely wasn’t his thing.  
“I’d say neck deep, but let’s not argue about that.” You smiled wryly and he shook his head. “I’m going to get something to drink, can I get you something, too?”  
“Coffee. Make it black. And make it strong.”  
You chuckled lightly, as if you didn’t know by now how he liked his coffee. “And make it Irish?”  
“Erin go Bragh,” he mumbled and you laughed again. It felt good to laugh.   
With his coffee and a glass of water you came back, peeked over his shoulder into the book in front of him.  
“Did they dump the research on you now?”  
Bobby took the coffee and sipped, making satisfied noises at the amount of whiskey in his cup.  
“Nah, Sam’s reading some other stuff. Dean’s out to follow a lead. Not even far from here. Thought a change of pace would do them good.”  
You grabbed a book from the pile on the desk and sat down on an old armchair. “About the seals?”  
Bobby looked at you, almost glared before his gaze softened. “About you.”   
“Shouldn’t they try to save the seals? I mean, preventing Apocalypse has priority, right?” You frowned a bit and looked down at the book. Latin. Great.  
“Apparently the purity seal thing has already been broken. They are trying to find others.”   
“Bobby? What do you know about dreams? I mean, is it possible to – I don’t know, to communicate through dreams?” You knew about the biopsychological aspects of dreams, about the mechanism and the meaning for humans. But was it possible that Castiel had really spoken to you?   
“Some mediums can do that. And there’s something called ‘dreamroot’, hard stuff. Allows dreamwalking and that’s some serious trouble. Why?” You had his full attention now.  
“That angel friend of Dean? He said now that he knew where I am he could come and visit me. And he did. Just now. In my dream.” It was weird admitting that, as if you had sneaked out for a date and now confessed, although you had no say in the dream.   
“Did he now? Huh…” Bobby leaned back in his chair, hands on the desk. “This could mean trouble.”  
You rolled your eyes. “Lately everything means trouble,” you pointed out. “I really start thinking that I’m cursed.”  
“Nah, a curse is different. Usually something that can be undone. But you? I think it’s even worse.”  
You gave him a blank look. Worse than a curse?  
Bobby sighed. “I think it’s fate. And that’s something hard to mess with.”   
“Oh great,” you sighed. “Everyone is trying to cheer me up today, huh?” You opened the book and started to browse through the text, but you lacked concentration.  
“Ya know, girl, we are all tryin’ to dig something out that will help you,” Bobby said, got up and handed you a dictionary.  
“Yeah, I know. But shouldn’t we rather try to prevent the Apocalypse?” You took the dictionary and nodded, indicating your thanks.  
“Who says we can’t do both?” Bobby sat back down and you both worked in silence.  
After several hours and just another book you sighed and slumped down on the couch. Papers were scattered around you and rustled when you moved. Bobby was equally buried in papers and books, another cup with only bourbon and plate with the remnants of a sandwich within reach.  
“There is nothing! Nothing at all!” You put the book down. “I swear, another Greek letter and my head’s gonna explode.”   
“Looks like you are a rare kind after all,” Bobby offhandedly replied, nose still buried in a book.   
“No kidding. One could think that ever since the Flood at least some angels would have shagged a girl or two, but nothing.”  
Bobby sighed and closed his book. “So, what do we have?”  
You shrugged. “Apparently nephilim are giants. Larger than life. But since we both can see that I’m more average sized I’d go with the opinion that they are born leaders. Which I’m not, by the way.”  
“I think that’s a mistake in the translation.” You could tell it was Sam without even looking at the doorway from where the voice just came. Your nerves seemed to have settled a bit, at least enough so you could ignore the usual array of unpleasant sensations when he was near.   
“Morning, Sam. Come in.” You straightened a bit but tried to act normal. As long as he didn’t touch you it should be fine. And Bobby was there, too. Nothing to be scared of right now.  
“What do you mean, mistake in the translation?” Bobby rubbed his eyes, obviously just as tired as you were.  
“It’s not about height or leadership. They are meant to – move things ahead.”   
“Like catalysts?” you asked back, grabbing your papers and checking the translations again. Sam shrugged.  
“At least that’s what I think.”  
“So, they actually served a purpose?” You haven’t really found anything else than myths about their origins yet.  
“I think so, but-“ He sighed and grabbed a book, opened it and searched for the right page. “Here, have a look at this paragraph. How do you interpret this?”  
You took the book, careful not to touch Sam, and frowned a bit, trying to concentrate against the fog in your head. “What kind of Latin dialect is this?” you muttered, read the text silently but with your lips moving.   
“The last sentence,” Sam specified and you nodded.   
“I would say it means: ‘Because God sent the Flood to wipe the evil out.’”   
“Noah’s Flood, right? So you know the story?” Sam looked at you expectantly and you still felt the urge to squirm under his gaze.   
“Yeah, I know it. And I already know that the nephilim were extinguished by the Flood. So what?” You and Bobby had already been that far, it was nothing new for you.  
“And you know that the bible isn’t the first source for the Flood myth, right?” Sam seemed almost excited, this was definitely his thing. Research and old, dead languages. Funny, you had so much in common and yet you couldn’t even stand being near him.  
“There’s the Gilgamesh epos and the Atrahasis epos. At least those are the best known versions, there are quite a few others as well.”   
Sam seemed impressed, only Bobby rolled his eyes.   
“Stop giving me a lecture and get to the point already,” he grumbled, making you smile.   
“In all the other versions of the Flood myth there are also creatures that could be identified as nephilim. Now read the sentence again.” Sam couldn’t wait, he impatiently pointed at the book.  
You moved the words in your mouth, in your mind, analyzed the grammar and possible additional meanings.   
“Do you mean, God sent the Flood BECAUSE of the nephilim?” You stared at Sam in disbelief, but he only smiled and nodded.   
“Exactly. They are described as evil, wicked, as greedy and violent. But also as clever, cunning. They are feared.”  
“Well, thank you. I’m glad to hear that.” You couldn’t show your sarcasm any more obvious.   
“That’s nothing personal. See, the bible, the Gilgamesh epos, who wrote them? Humans. Humans wrote them and of course they would put the blame for their own sins on someone else. But I guess it was true after all, humans feared the nephilim, because they were – different. Superior.” He shoved some of his own notes towards you.  
“So you say the nephilim were some kind of scapegoats?” You had lost him at some point and tried to catch up with his train of thought again.  
“Yes and no. Remember that I said they were some kind of catalyst? I think the presence of nephilim brings out some ugly sides in the humans around them. Maybe not everyone is affected, but think back to your home town. Remember how they treated you? All your life? How is it in collge now? Are you popular?”  
You shrugged. “I’m a weird bookworm, of course I’m not popular. But it’s not as if they all bullied me or something.” Although you had to admit that there was a huge group of people who rather avoided you. And of course the rumors, that you got the job as research assistant only because you had sex with the professor. And all the other rumors…  
“Oh my… god…” Realization was obvious in your expression and Sam nodded again.  
“That, too. I think the nephilim were used to lure not only the bad sides out of humans, but more importantly to lure an even higher being.” He took a deep breath. “I think they were used to lure out God.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bablon ipuran rit enay - The wicked shall not see God’s mercy.   
> Translated with an online dictionary for Enochian. If any native Enochian speaker can give me a hint if that's correct or far off, go for it :D


	6. Dream a little dream of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam comes up with an interesting theory and you get an unexpected visitor.

“Wait, what?” You stared at Sam, your brows knitted.   
“Some Apocrypha and other texts I have read back that up,” he confidently said. “Sodom and Gomorrah? Obviously places where some nephilim lived.”  
Of course. Your kind was obviously the root of all evil. You took a deep breath.  
“Can we go back to the part with luring out God?” You rubbed your temples, being this close to Sam didn’t help you at all.   
“So there is this theory that God stopped – well, let’s call it ‘caring’ after Moses. He delivers the Ten Commandments and afterwards he just disappears. The angels were confused and angry, wanted his guidance back. Some of them decided to find out why God considered humankind his pride of creation and came down to earth. They created nephilim with human women and suddenly God came back, angry and disappointed that his loyal servants had bred with his favorite toys. He sends the Flood, wipes them out and forbids angels to ever have children with humans again.”   
Sam was talking animatedly now, pacing the floor while you and Bobby just stared at him. This was just too much, too farfetched to even consider possible. But you were obviously a mixture of angel and human, wasn’t that a bit farfetched, too?  
“And that brings us to you. What if some angel defied God’s order on purpose because God himself stopped caring again? What if it’s a plan to call God?”  
“Sam,” you softly said, unsure how to even start. “This is a nice theory, with a lot of logical conclusions, but it’s just a theory. So if I was some kind of divine lure, why was that angel dude so completely taken by surprise when he saw me? Shouldn’t the angels know about me? Why was I hidden from them? Because if I can believe anything of that weird dream I had earlier I am – I don’t know, angel-proof. They can’t see me unless they actually SEE me.”   
You didn’t want to shoot down his theory but you wouldn’t believe the first thing someone came up with either. Especially since most of it were assumptions. There just was no solid proof, although that was mostly because there just were no nephilim left – except for you.   
“Dunno, kiddo, I’d say Sam is onto something here. Maybe there’s really a reason for you being here except for your mom falling for the wrong guy.” Bobby seemed to have doubts of his own, but they weren’t even close to yours.   
You sighed. “Okay, show me those texts. I want to read them myself.” At least you could try to see for yourself if there really was something to this theory.   
Sam beamed at you and grabbed a book, practically thrust it into your hands before he grabbed some more.   
“I’ve marked the pages… here and here… the translation for this is over here…”  
“I can translate that myself,” you almost hissed. His close proximity and the probably 30 cups of coffee made you cranky.   
“Yeah, sure. Sorry.” He sheepishly looked down, his hair falling in his face and you felt almost guilty. Almost.  
You tried to calm down a bit, closed your eyes briefly and took a deep breath.  
“Okay, sorry. Next text?”  
Book after book landed next to you, some so old already that you were afraid they’d crumble under your gaze. Some were only photocopies and Sam told you that some texts were on his laptop. When he handed you another bundle of notes his fingers touched your wrist and you yanked your hand away as if he had burned it. It felt a bit like burning, but more as if he had poured acid over your skin. There were still marks on your wrists from the night before, although they didn’t hurt. Sorrow flashed over his expression and he stepped back a bit.   
“So… your angel blood makes you sensitive to demons, huh?” He rubbed his neck awkwardly and you scoffed.   
“From what I learned today I’m worse than any demon, so don’t worry.”   
Bobby cleared his throat. “Kiddo, you better stop sproutin’ nonsense like that. As far as I know you are a nice girl, just –“  
“Just unfortunately the bastard child of a human and an angel. Yeah, I get it.” The bitterness in your voice prompted a sigh from the old hunter. You were so damn tired. Whenever you thought things would get better you suddenly found yourself in an even deeper mess. And the worst thing was that you had always KNOWN that you were different. But THAT different?   
“Sorry, Bobby, it’s just – god, all I ever wanted was to get out of that stupid town, to get a real life eventually. And now…” You shrugged, completely defeated. If someone would come now to kill you would probably let him. You were so sick of being the strange one, the one who was different, always careful, always trying to blend in, always making yourself small and silent, as not to draw attention.   
“Hey, it’s okay. I know how you’re feeling. I’m a freak, too.”   
Sam was actually trying to cheer you up. Sam. The same Sam that had left bruises and fingerprints on your body, the same one who was a frequent visitor in your dreams. The one you feared so much that your heart was racing every time you only thought about him. Should he really be the only one to understand you?  
No. You refused this thought.   
“I think I need a break. And actual sleep instead of coffee. Sorry guys, I leave you alone with all the dead languages and the old, musty books. Call me if Apocalypse starts or my father shows up.” You chuckled dryly and got up, careful not to topple the stacks of papers and books around you. You only hoped that you wouldn’t dream again.   
Funny. Before you only had to fear Sam appearing in your dreams. Now you felt as if your dreams became some playground for whoever wanted to come and mess with your mind. 

You woke up when someone made a racket coming up the stairs. Heavy boots, wooden stairs – not a good combination. You knew you were safe here, or at least as safe as you could be, and from the low grumbling you figured it was Dean, back from whatever errand he had been on. And drunk. He sounded really, really drunk. When you heard a loud thud you sighed and got up from the bed to check on him. Not that he fell down the stairs and broke his neck. He might have been resurrected once, who knew if that worked a second time.   
“Hey, sweetheart,” he drawled, a stupid grin on his face, sitting on the floor.  
“Dean,” you said with a sigh. “Need a hand?”  
“A hand, a bed, whatever.” He seemed tired and you didn’t even want to ask. So you simply took his hand and pulled him up. Hm, maybe there was something about the superhuman strength of nephilim you had read about. It wasn’t as much of a struggle you thought it would be. Once you had his arm around your shoulders you slowly walked him towards the room he shared with Sam. Bobby’s other guest room was occupied by you after all.   
“Can’t I sleep with you again?” Dean asked you, half flirting and half yawning.  
“Nope. I need some decent sleep, too, and I won’t get that with your drunken ass next to me,” you firmly refused.   
“’s a shame… slept better than ever with you,” he complained and you smiled faintly, quickly reminding you that he was just drunk.  
Somehow you managed to open the door and practically drag Dean into the room without hurting him or yourself.  
“Which bed?” He was getting heavy, too much for you to take much longer. Unfortunately he didn’t answer so you decided to dump him on the closest bed. Once you reached it you gave him a light push so he fell backwards, but without letting go of you so you fell on top of him.   
“Dean,” you whined and tried to get up, but he had his arms around you, face buried in your hair.  
“Gimme a sec…” he slurred and inhaled, making you squirm. This was so awkward! Tomorrow when he was sober again you would tease him about this, but now you were rather uncomfortable, not sure what to do.   
“Sweetheart… you smell so nice…”   
Okay, this was freaking you out now. “Dean!” You pushed against his chest and finally his arms slipped away from you, giving you free. He was fast asleep.   
“Stupid jerk,” you muttered, but smiled. Damn, this man would be the death of you. 

This whole hunter’s assistant business had messed up your sleeping schedule completely. It was almost noon when you finally walked into the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. Sam and Bobby were already sitting and hitting the books – or still, you didn’t ask. Just made another pot of coffee and poured yourself some cereals.   
“Morning, guys,” you greeted them and Sam flashed you a small smile.   
“Morning.”  
“Hey kiddo, did you dream again?” Bobby looked at you expectantly but you shook your head.   
“No, not as far as I remember.”   
“Good.” He seemed at ease. “Found something about that dream business. Scary stuff. Ever heard of lucid dreaming?”   
You frowned. “Isn’t that when you can influence your dreams?”   
“Got it. Now did you know that your body is also reacting to that kind of dreams? Usually you are relaxing some more. Now imagine what happens if you are trapped in a lucid dream and something bad happens to you…”  
You swallowed. “I – I can imagine. Thanks for telling me, I might never be able to go to sleep again.”   
Sam chuckled.   
“Okay, so, what am I suppose to do next? Do you need me here or can I go grocery shopping?” you changed the topic and looked from Sam to Bobby and back again.  
“Thing is, I don’t want you to walk around alone right now,” Bobby said and made a face. “Can’t trust the angels. Now that they know you exist…”  
You sighed. “So what? I’m grounded? Bobby, I don’t think me being cooped up here will change anything. If necessary they come into my dreams. There’s no safe place anymore. So I can as well go and get groceries.” You shrugged. Last night you had pondered this problem over and over, and you’ve made your peace with this whole situation. There was nothing you could do about it anyway, but you didn’t want to hide.   
“At least don’t go alone, okay?” Bobby didn’t seem to budge on this so you shrugged again and nodded.  
“Guess I have to wait until Dean gets up, huh?” You all knew you wouldn’t take Sam and Bobby needed some sleep. So it was only Dean left. Not that you would complain. The strange dynamic between you was bothering you, but it was also thrilling. Bittersweet. And probably only in your head. 

A couple of hours later you were sitting in the passenger’s seat of Dean’s ‘baby’, as he called her, pretty relaxed considering your situation. Dean was humming along with some song in the radio and you were staring out of the window, watching the scenery fly by. You hadn’t even mentioned your little meeting last night, certain that he didn’t remember after all. No need to embarrass yourself further.   
“Could I convince you to make a pie today? I still hold fond memories of the last pie you made…” he suddenly said, making you smile.  
“Only if we get brambles in the supermarket. Brambles and apples. And ice cream.” You grinned, already picturing the warm pie with the melting ice cream on top. “That’s a good idea.”   
“Hey, I’m full of good ideas,” he said and winked at you.  
“You are full of yourself,” you teased him, enjoying this banter. Really, your relationship with him was a rollercoaster. You enjoyed having him around but sometimes he was just so infuriating and annoying, and sometimes he did or said things that hurt you so much. Probably without even realizing it. The boyish smile he just showed you was one of the things that hurt you.   
“So, that trip yesterday…” you started to ask, turning half towards him just to start screaming. The blinding light and the static in the air startled you more than Dean’s curse and the way the car swiveled briefly before Dean was back in control.  
“Cas! Man! Stop popping up in my car!”  
“Apologies. I wasn’t aware that – she – would react that strongly.”   
You had covered your eyes with your hands and now peeked through the gaps between your fingers, but it was still too bright so you turned away from the angel on the backseat.   
“Can you dim your wings down a bit? Honestly, how do they even fit in here?” you grumbled, figuring you didn’t have much to lose now anyway.   
“They exist on a different plane of perception,” he answered as if that was an actual explanation.   
“So, care to tell us why you zapped in here and nearly killed us?” Dean was also grumpy but that was understandable under these circumstances.   
“I have news regarding the seals,” the deep voice behind you answered. “But I would prefer not to tell you in presence of – her.”  
Again. You were fine with him not saying your actual name but you have never before met someone who could put as much disgust into three little letters like Castiel could.   
“Well, rough luck. She’s here now and if you want to tell me you either do it now when she can listen or later and I tell her myself.”  
You smiled behind your hands, this open display of trust and solidarity like honey in your coffee. Something sweet in all the dark bitterness.   
You heard the rustling of clothes before Dean told you to open your eyes again.  
“He’s gone.”  
You slowly let your hands drop, blinked a few times and finally opened your eyes again.   
“I think he did that on purpose,” you muttered.  
“What?” The playful mood was gone now, and Dean sounded very sober now.   
“The brightness. Last time he wasn’t that bright.”  
Dean cracked a small smile, the last one you would see from him that day.

You still made a pie when you came back, it distracted you a bit from everything else that was happening around you. Kneading the dough, cutting the apples, putting the pie together – it had something meditating, your hands were working and your head was clear. You prepared dinner for everyone, a simple pasta, meatballs, salad.   
The smell of the food soon lured the guys in. Bobby started grabbing some dishes without even asking and Dean put some bottles of beer on the table. Sam lingered at the doorway until you waved him in. Somehow it was easier being around him now, almost like back when you first met him. Maybe knowing the reason for your strong reactions towards him made it easier for you to suppress your unease. It was strange, sitting with them around a table, sharing a meal like some kind of twisted family, while outside the world was heading towards Apocalypse. Strange, but nice.  
So you ate and chatted, only light topics, not the dark stuff. No angels, nephilim, no demons and seals. The guys talked about cars and sports, you talked about movies and books and it was like a reprieve, a break you all needed desperately.


	7. Untouched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another angelic visit, but this time Castiel seems at least willing to let you live. Dean has a present for you, one that might answer some questions.

You dreaded going to bed, tried to stay up as long as possible. Dreaming was scary now that not only Sam was a frequent visitor, but also angels could just pop in. So you made coffee after dinner while Dean was just enjoying his second slice of pie.   
He was like a little boy at Christmas morning, beaming at you when you scooped some ice cream over the still warm pie. Carefree, that was what he looked like. You had noticed that he was harder, rougher around the edges since you had last seen him in that motel. But now he was grinning, happily eating pie like he had no care in the world. You wished he could always be that happy. You wished you could, too.   
After dinner you let the guys handle the dishes and returned to the books and papers still littering every surface in Bobby’s study/office/living room. You didn’t expect to find out more about nephilims and their purpose so you went back to the usual hunter’s business, getting the database you started a while ago updated.   
“What’cha doing?” Dean caught you in the middle of transferring some info about a special kind of curse into the database.  
“Working,” you simply said.   
“I wanna talk to you. If you have time.”   
You shrugged and turned away from your laptop.   
“Now’s fine. What’s up?”  
He sat down on a chair, leaned towards you, elbows resting on his knees.   
“So, about what Cas said earlier…” he began and you chuckled. Was now the moment he had to choose between saving the seals – and ultimately the world – and keeping you around? Yeah, you already knew how that would end.   
“I get it, Dean. Preventing Apocalypse is more important than anything else. Don’t worry, I can manage,” you assured him, taking the burden of having to tell you himself from him.   
But he only frowned, an annoyed expression on his face.  
“That wasn’t what I wanted to say. Yes, Apocalypse is priority number one right now, but not at all costs. I mean, you’ve been pretty helpful so far. I meant what I said back in the car: it’s either with you or not happening at all. You are part of our family now. God knows I wished it was otherwise, I never wanted you to get tangled up in our shit.” He sighed heavily. “But now you are, and sweetheart, I don’t believe that you’re really a threat. So if Cas wants us to keep the seals from getting broken he better gets used to you.”  
This was possibly the nicest thing someone ever said to you. Now that was also a bit sad, but you couldn’t help but smile, the warmth that was filling your chest a very unfamiliar feeling since your mom and grandma have died.  
“So, you’re my big brother now?” you joked, trying to cover up how touched you actually were.  
“Yep, Missie. So no dates with guys until you’re thirty. Better thirty-five.” He grinned, his green eyes sparkling and you laughed with him.   
“So it’s okay for me to date girls then?” you asked him with a wink that made him blink a few times.   
“Uhm… no, I don’t think so. No, dating in general is off the table for the next fifteen years.”   
“Like the last 20 years then. Okay, I think I can live with that.” You rolled your eyes and Dean chuckled, but got up so you could continue working. “Oh, and Dean? Thanks.”  
“You’re welcome, sweetheart. I mean it.”  
Only when he was gone you sighed. A brother, huh? So he only saw you as a sister. Figured so much. 

You kept working most of the night but eventually the letters started to swim before your eyes and everyone else was already in bed. Sam had turned in one hour ago and he had been the last one who stayed up to work. It was really easier now to be near him although you still avoided touching him. As if that strange night had been the climax and now whatever made you uneasy in his presence was decreasing.   
You finally shut your laptop down and started getting ready for bed, still stalling because you had no idea what would happen once you closed your eyes. When you padded out of the bathroom, already a bit drowsy, trying to avoid the creaking floor boards, you didn’t even bother turning on the lights. After a few weeks you already knew the way back to your bed and you felt nowhere safer than in this house that was so packed with occult texts and strange artifacts, not to mention three hunters. And you have learned a lot since you left your hometown.   
So you already knew someone was waiting for you in your room, you could feel it. The only question left was who exactly it was. Since you didn’t felt the urge to throw up it wasn’t Sam. And you could hear Bobby snore, so it wasn’t him either. Unfortunately you could also hear Dean, you remembered his snores. You focused on the feelings in your guts, on the pressure in your brain. You didn’t even need to see the blinding light to know who it was. Or better, what.   
“Fear not, I am here in peace,” the gravelly voice gave him away.  
“Castiel,” you said, trying to stay calm. You wouldn’t be able to fight him anyway, so there was no use in panicking. Instead you turned on the light, trying to avoid looking at him. “Can you please tone the brightness down?”   
“No.”  
Well, that was curt. But if he could be like that, why shouldn’t you? Politeness and small talk didn’t seem to be part of his visit after all.   
“What do you want?” Your mind was racing, what did you just read about angels? Not enough to actually have weak spot of them in mind. But you remembered that they were stronger, more powerful than demons. And that you were only half angel so you had no chance against him.   
“I have talked with my superior. Unlike I had expected he says you shouldn’t be harmed or pursued.”  
You frowned. “Superior? Like – God?” you carefully asked.   
“No. Our father – he might not even know about you yet. This is – not a good time for him to learn about your existence.”   
“I thought God was omniscient,” you pointed out and if you had looked at him you would have seen his bland expression, but his silence was saying it all. God really didn’t know about you. Well, in that case he wouldn’t be able to hate you, right?  
“So what now?” you asked. “You’re not killing me, or ‘smiting’ me? You are just gonna let me be?” You couldn’t believe this.   
“No. I am not going to smite you. For now. I have other orders.”  
Your eyes seemed to get used to the light, you could almost look at him. At least at his shoes. And legs.   
“How come I never saw one of you before?” you mused loudly. You would have noticed the wings and halo, the thrumming of power underneath the human surface.   
“Most of us don’t come to earth. It’s – not a pleasant place for us.”   
Confined in a human host. He didn’t say it but you understood. You could feel that he was bigger than the man standing in front of you, could sense the edges of his being somewhere outside the room, maybe even outside the house.   
“And what are your orders now? Concerning me?” You just needed to ask.   
“I would like to know that, too.”   
Your head whipped around to find Sam and Dean on the other side of the hallway, Dean a bit more sleep tousled than his brother. Probably because of the whiskey he had before he went to bed.   
“Don’t worry, my orders don’t involve violence against this creature,” Cas assured Dean who was still frowning.  
“’That creature’ is still a friend of ours,” he grumbled.   
“My orders are clear. I am not to harm her, but she has to stay under my surveillance. And we have to make sure that – she stays untouched.” You looked at Dean with a questioning gaze, then at Sam.   
“What do you mean? ‘Untouched’?” You were confused. Did he mean isolated? Unharmed?   
“I can’t reveal the details to you, but as long as you stay – innocent – you don’t pose a threat to us. Or anyone.”   
The pauses he made were more than enough explanation.   
“Uhm…” you shyly said, unsure how to put it into words.   
“What?” Cas and Sam asked at the same time.  
“Might be a bit late for that requirement,” you sheepishly answered.  
“Dean!” Sam angrily yelled and you could feel Castiel’s gaze burning through you. That was really awkward.   
“It wasn’t me!” Dean immediately went into defense.   
“What? No! It wasn’t Dean,” you confirmed. “Gosh, it’s been years ago, before I even knew you.” You rolled your eyes. That wasn’t exactly a topic you wanted to discuss under these circumstances, especially not when it could still change Castiel’s orders. You hoped it wouldn’t, but who knew?  
You didn’t dare looking at Dean, somehow you felt bad. As if you had betrayed him, which was completely stupid. But more important was Castiel’s reaction. So you braced yourself for what there might come.  
“That is – unexpected,” the angel finally said. “I am not prepared for this situation.” And with a strange sound of fluttering clothes he disappeared again, dimming the brightness in the room immensely.   
“Wow,” you muttered. “I start to believe that the warnings I heard as a teenager really were true.”   
“What warnings?” Sam asked curiously.  
“Huh? Oh, that having sex before getting married would have severe consequences,” you sheepishly admitted. “I thought they were talking about pregnancy or maybe getting shunned as a slut. Not that actual angels would judge me and decide if I would live or die.” You rolled your eyes and sighed.  
“No kidding,” Dean chimed in. “I don’t think that condoms would keep you safe from that.”   
You snorted at that but the tears already prickled in your eyes. You were so tired, so exhausted, so afraid. The need to be alone, to finally cry to your heart’s content was so overwhelming that you felt pins and needles all over, started rubbing your arms and turned towards the Winchesters.  
“Uhm, guys, if you don’t mind… I could really need a break.”  
Sam’s eyes narrowed briefly while examining your face but finally he nodded and gave you tight smile.  
“Sure. Try to get some sleep after all.” He waved briefly, not even stepping loser which you were grateful for, and turned around to go back into the guest room he shared with Dean. You waited for Dean to do the same, but he wasn’t even looking at you, apparently deep in thought.   
“Dean,” you almost whined, wound up and tired at the same time, just wanting to get into bed, bury your face into the pillow and have the pity party of the century. Maybe you would be so exhausted that you wouldn’t even dream in the end. Now that was a pleasant thought.   
“Sorry. Looks as if I’m a bit late with the dating ban, huh?” He chuckled wryly and you sighed.  
“Dating and having sex don’t necessarily belong together, you know?”  
His head whipped around and he stared at you, green eyes blazing briefly. “It wasn’t – you know… not that Tyler guy, right?”  
You blinked once, twice, needed a moment to get what he was hinting at. “What? No, no, don’t worry. Just a guy I liked when I was 17. I thought he liked me, too, and I thought he might like me even more if I do that with him. Wanted to find out what it was all about, too.” You shrugged, feeling silly. Was that a good enough reason after all?  
“And?” Dean didn’t even seem uncomfortable talking about sex with you in the middle of the night, you only in your pajamas and he in boxer briefs and a t-shirt. You inwardly rolled your eyes at your own childish thoughts. Maybe he was right, maybe you really were still a kid.   
“And? Well, it wasn’t even good. Not completely bad, but definitely not good either. And it didn’t make him like me enough to not come with the ‘we should also see other people’ bullshit two weeks later. See? Pretty normal story.” Slightly chuckling you added: “At least I’m pretty sure he was human. Who would have thought that this would ever be the nicest thing I would have to say about him?”   
Somehow a part of the pressure has lifted, all that was left was sleepiness and you really hoped you could have some rest soon. Like now. Right now. Impatiently you looked at Dean, waiting for him to leave.  
“You sure you’re gonna be okay, sweetheart?”   
You nodded, so tired already that your jaw was too heavy to speak.   
“Okay. Good night then. Call me if you need something.”   
Call me. Not ‘call us’. Your hazy brain was still able to get that but your body was drawn to the bed, you stumbled over towards it and simply plopped down, didn’t even bother with the covers. If Dean could make sure that Sam stayed in his room all that was left for you to worry about was the dreaming part, but you were already asleep before you could even think further about that. 

It was like a miracle, you woke up around noon of the next day, having dreamed nothing at all. You quickly dressed and skipped down the stairs, heading for the kitchen, following the scent of eggs and bacon that permeated the air.   
“Good morning, sweetheart,” Dean greeted you, apparently in high spirits. Maybe he had slept good, too. Maybe he had drunk for breakfast. You wouldn’t ask.   
“Morning. I didn’t know you can cook,” you answered and took a seat when he prompted you to with a gesture.  
“Eggs and bacon? Toast?”  
You nodded and he scooped some of the scrambled eggs on a plate before he added some bacon.   
“Here you go. Toast is over there. Coffee?”  
You nodded and quickly took a fork full of egg. It was delicious.   
“Oh, Dean! If I had known that sooner you would have been on breakfast duty ever since,” you praised him and took a piece of toast.  
“That’s why you only learn today,” he said with a grin and handed you a cup of coffee. He sat down and watched you eat what made a bit uncomfortable but at least he drank coffee.  
“Where’s Bobby?” you asked between two bites of bacon.  
“Urgent call, he’ll be back tonight. And Sam’s out on a run.”  
You hadn’t asked for Sam, you felt the absence of him like a nice breeze on a hot day. Refreshing.   
“And our plan for today?” If nothing else came up you would keep working on that database. Something useful after all.   
“Well, Cas zapped in earlier. Looks as if some more seals were broken. Gotta step up our game,” Dean said, his earlier smile gone.   
“Did he say anything about me?”   
“Yeah, he did. I could just talk him out of waking you. Told him you needed rest.” He winked at you and for a moment you were really grateful.   
“How come he listens to you?” you wondered, finishing off your breakfast. You felt great now, almost ready to actually face that angel again.   
“Not so sure about that. I guess they really need our help.” Dean shrugged. In his business you didn’t ask when someone offered you help or a favor. You stayed cautious, though, but you didn’t ask. In the end it was clear that everything had a price.  
“Okay, so since he didn’t smite me in my sleep I guess his boss is fine with me being – ‘touched’.” You made a face and Dean chuckled.  
“Yeah, about that – sorry, I had just assumed you are still… you know. Growing up in that town and stuff.”  
“I know. I mean, I get it. I send out some serious geek vibes, not exactly sexy. But you know, I wasn’t cooped up in that town all my life. I went to a school some towns over after the bullying got too much in my old school. And although I wasn’t exactly popular in the other school it was enough for this cute guy to actually talk to me.”  
You sighed. How pathetic. The first boy who didn’t throw stones at you and you threw your panties at him. Well, back home everyone called you a whore already so you had figured you could at least try it once.   
“Well, I don’t see why that should make a difference after all. Just wanted to say that.” He got up and refilled his cup and you put your dish and cup away.  
“Did he say when he will come back?” you asked, wiping the table with a towel.   
“Who?”  
“The angel.”  
Dean shrugged. “Not really. His concept of time is a bit off, though. Why are you asking?”  
You grinned. “Gotta be prepared this time. I’m gonna wear my sunglasses.”  
Dean laughed. “Hey, I get something for you,” he announced and quickly disappeared just to come back with a book. Paperback. So obviously it wasn’t meant for research.  
“Here. When I was out yesterday I got it for you.” He handed it over, anxiously waiting for your reaction.   
Supernatural by Carver Edlund. You had never heard of that before.   
“’The golden child’?” You looked at him questioningly but he didn’t say anything so you checked the summary on the backside.   
In a town full of believers there is one girl without faith. Her boring life in this small town in the middle of nowhere gets suddenly very interesting when Sam and Dean stop at her store.   
“What- what is that?” You stared at him, this sounded awfully familiar.  
“There is this guy, Chuck, he writes stuff about me and Sammy. There’s even a small fandom and all. We checked him the other day and it turned out that he’s a prophet. I went to see him yesterday, hoping he could tell us something about the seals and maybe even you.” He made a face.  
“Unfortunately he knows nothing about either. He gave me that. It’s not – you know, the whole true story, there is some amount of fiction in it, stuff he added. But there’s something about your mom in it and he swore that it’s the truth.”  
Dean shrugged and you really wanted to hug him. It was okay to hug him, right? Nothing bad about it. Not even the angels could have a problem with friendly hug after all.   
“Thank you. This is – probably the best present I ever got.” Your arms tightly wrapped around his neck, you face buried in his shirt you grinned happily. You still had so many questions but there was nobody you could ask, everyone was already dead. Maybe this prophet had written something useful after all.   
Dean cleared his throat. “You – you’re welcome.” He patted your back and you let go of him reluctantly. Being in his arms just felt so nice. So right.   
“You wanna read it now?” He grinned brightly but you shrugged.  
“Honestly, I don’t know. I might need a moment to gather my courage. Who knows what’s written in there? I better prepare mentally for that. But really, thank you.”   
He nodded. “Your call. I actually never read one of those myself, it’s kinda awkward to read stories about your own life. So tell me if he had messed up this story, okay?”   
You smiled back at him, unable to put your feelings into words.   
“Okay. So, what are we doing next?” you changed the topic and put the book down for now. You would give it a try later.  
“Back to the seals, I guess. We’ve lost lots of time with that purity bullshit, so we better get back to work.” Dean looked determined and you were fired up to prove your worth, too.   
“Okay. And how do we do that?”   
“Usually Cas pops in and gives us a hint,” he admitted, making you sigh.  
“So waiting for that angel, huh? Hopefully that gives me enough time to get some other work done. If you need me, I’m adding stuff to the database.”   
You left the kitchen to grab your laptop but suddenly felt sick, like throwing up your breakfast again. Cold sweat covered you and your muscles started to quiver.  
“Sam?” you asked before your head hit the floor.


	8. No damsel in distress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is still worried about you but protecting the seals is more important right now. He leaves for a case and takes Sam with him. Will this give you a small break?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, I'm so sorry. I got a new job and just can't seem to write as much as I want anymore. I won't abandon this story, though, but updates will stay rare. Sorry again.

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. You were not a damsel in distress, fainting was not a normal thing for you and yet you seemed to black out almost every day now. What the hell was wrong with you? Or better, what was wrong with Sam? You had felt it in your stomach, the dread and the unease, just as strong as the day they arrived at Bobby’s, almost a week ago now. Was it really already a week?   
With a sigh you forced your eyes open but only after focusing on your gut feeling. It told you Sam wasn’t near so you decided it should be safe to face the world again. Although you still were tired.  
“Sweetheart? Feelin’ better?”  
Dean was sitting in a chair, looking at you expectantly.  
“Yeah, I think – yeah. Sorry, it’s becoming a bad habit, huh?” You chuckled wryly, still feeling as if you had hit a wall.  
“Well, could be worse. At least you’re not growing claws or fangs.”  
You rolled your eyes at him but there was no use in bitching right now. You had other things to worry about. Angels. And demons. And of course the story about your mom.   
“Sam’s waiting outside the house. He actually feels really bad for doing this to you all the time.”  
“Yeah? I’m sure I’m feeling worse,” you grumbled and slowly got up. The room was only spinning a tiny bit but you were glad that Sam wasn’t near; you could really need a break now.  
“But at least you’re still looking good,” he teased and you snorted a short laugh.   
“Yeah, that’s all that counts, right?” You rolled your eyes and finally stood up, you needed a glass of water. He followed you from the couch into the kitchen where you leaned against the counter and sipped some water.   
“Okay, what’s next?” You looked at him questioningly, but determined to get things done.  
“You feeling good enough for me to call Cas? We need a hint on the next seal.”  
You sighed but nodded. You needed help but you hated being with the angel in the same room. At least he didn’t want to kill you anymore, so that was a good thing, right?  
“Gimme five minutes and some painkillers and we can call him.”  
You didn’t get five minutes. The angel zapped in before you could even finish your water, but luckily he appeared in another room. Was that some kind of courtesy? Probably not, but you were still glad that you didn’t have to shield your eyes again, completely without warning. Instead you could just look at the floor and things were okay. Or as okay as they could get when you were in a room with some distant relative that wanted your death.   
“You are distracted,” Cas just stated and Dean shrugged. “The seals should be your top priority now, not some-“  
“Watch your words,” Dean harshly reminded him.  
“- girl.” Castiel seemed unfazed, and he had dimmed the brightness enough that you could see his blank expression. Or maybe you just got used to being around angels.   
“I try to help with those seals, you know?” you announced your presence, although you were sure that the angel already knew.   
“But you are not successful. You’re not helpful. And I don’t have the time to watch you all the day,” he replied, his voice showing his anger. Okay…   
“What? You gonna babysit her?” Dean asked, half in disbelief.  
“It’s not safe for her around Sam.”  
You blinked. If even the angel knew that much...  
“Why?” You stepped further into the room. “Why isn’t it safe around Sam for me?”  
Castiel looked at you and you dropped your gaze. But you still wanted to know.   
“It just isn’t. My superior warned me to prevent Sam from getting close to you.” There was almost an accusation in his tone and you frowned at your feet. As if you wanted that. As if you created problems out of malice or boredom.   
“Well, seems like we agree on at least one thing. I don’t want Sam near me either. I mean, he literally makes me sick, so don’t worry, I won’t let him touch me. But it’s funny that you don’t worry about Dean. I always thought he’s the womanizer.”  
Dean chuckled but Castiel stayed silent. So he didn’t want to tell you why he was only concerned about Sam. Not that you needed his help to figure that out. The whole boyking thing, the fact that your body reacted to him in completely contrary ways – wanting him and wanting to throw up – obviously they wanted to keep you away from demons. Or at least the demon blood in Sam. That was the biggest difference between him and his brother after all, wasn’t it?   
“Focus on the seals again. There is one a few cities over, I could take you there in the blink of an eye,” Castiel said, ignoring what you had said completely.   
Dean sighed and rubbed his face with his hands before clapping once.  
“Okay, back into work mode. Lemme get Sammy and we can drive there. The zapping stuff just isn’t for me.”  
“What about – her?” It was funny how the angel could make a personal pronoun sound like an insult but you didn’t care. He was at least asking the right question.  
“She stays here with Bobby. You okay with that, sweetheart?” Dean checked your expression but you only shrugged.  
“Sure. Back to the status quo, then.” You were secretly relived that Sam would be far from you, at least you wouldn’t faint anymore like some frail girl in a too tight corset from the 1840s.   
“I agree. That is the best solution.” With a last nod Castiel disappeared again, taking the light with him.   
Dean looked at you while you were still squinting, trying to get used to the now rather dark room.  
“So, you okay?”   
You nodded, you were still alive after all. “Yeah, I think I’m good. You better go and grab you stuff and that gigantic brother of yours. There’s a seal to protect.”   
“If anything happens, call me, okay? I can be back in a jiffy.” He was serious and you couldn’t help but smile.   
“Sure, big bro. Now off with you, the weak and trembling need you,” you chuckled and gave him a slight push against his chest. Oh. You couldn’t help but notice how firm he actually was. Wrong time for that.  
“It’s hard to save the world all the time, but someone has to do the job,” he jokingly said and straightened up, hands propped up on his hips like some Superman-cartoon.  
“Yeah, but the pay is shitty and so are the hours,” you played along, making him grin at you. “Still, I’m rooting for you guys.”  
He wrapped an arm around you and pulled you close, pressed a kiss against your temple before he let you go again.   
“Thanks. Feel like I can’t lose when you say that.” There was no joking in his voice left and you looked down, aware that your cheeks were red like the eyes of a crossroads demon.   
“Okay, I’m off now. Don’t forget, you can call me anytime.”  
You nodded and watched him leave, but you inside of the house, afraid of running into Sam again. Honestly, why did you react that strongly again? It had been fine yesterday, what did happen since then so you had to black out in his presence again? Was it something you did? Something Sam did? Something else? Being a one of a kind creature was really hard, figuring out everything on your own nearly impossible.   
You sighed and booted your laptop again. At least you could work on that database. 

Around 3 a.m. you folded. There was no use in trying to stay awake any longer. Bobby had come back to find you typing away on your keyboard, the Impala and the Winchesters gone for over two hours already. You told him what had happened and he groaned, muttering about those ‘two idjits’ before he asked how you were. You gave him a smile and assured him you were fine. It wasn’t completely true but not a blatant lie either. You had something quick and easy for dinner and worked the rest of the night. Dean sent you a text, saying they arrived safely and that he would keep you up to date. Very thoughtful. You worked some more. It kept your mind from wandering, you felt less pathetic and useless with every new entry to your database. But you couldn’t deny that you needed sleep eventually. Did being half an angel have any advantages? Besides being fucked up beyond every imagination? You needed sleep and food like everyone else and besides being able to see angels - what you perfectly could go without – and sensing demons – again, something you didn’t really need – there was nothing good about this whole nephilims shit. You couldn’t even escape in your dreams.   
You didn’t even bother changing into your pajamas or brushing your teeth, your steps already uncertain because of your fatigue. As soon as your head hit the pillow you were asleep.   
It wasn’t Castiel this time, you could instantly tell. The wings were different. There were more of them.  
“So you are the abomination that causes so much trouble?” a thundering voice asked but you refused to cower in fear.   
“I got a name, you know?” you grumbled and blinked against the light. Six wings. Holy shit, this was one of the big shots.   
“So do I. It’s Zachariah, just so you know. And you better watch your tone, for I am the one who decides what will happen to you.”   
Although he sounded authoritative the brightness around him faded until you could see him better. Or at least the form he was willing to show you.   
“And what brings you here today? Are my dreams some kind of heavenly Disneyworld? Popping in here and having fun? You must be really bored up there because I swear, usually my dreams are not really fun.”  
“Oh, don’t worry, I know pretty well what you are usually dreaming about. All those naughty, dirty dreams with the younger Winchester. Sometimes with the older one, too. I’m not here for that, if that’s what you are worried about.”   
He laughed and it made him so much more unlikable. Your dream skin crawled and you were sure your real body just shuddered, too. This guy was freaking you out, even more than Castiel. Even more than Sam – on good days.   
“So, what ARE you here for?” you asked, trying to sound calm, disinterested.   
He grinned at you, obviously pleased with your petty display of defiance.  
“I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. See, with the Apocalypse coming we are really busy up here and I can’t allow our efforts go to waste just because some minor – inconveniences. Unfortunately that’s all you are to me. Inconvenient.” He grinned again, smarmy and disgusting.   
He wanted to make you feel like a bug he could squash any time. He wanted to make you feel insignificant and only a bother. And dammit, he was good. You already started to squirm under his gaze but still refused to show it. This was your dream after all, you didn’t ask him to come here.   
“Believe me, I’m not thrilled by you and your attention, either,” you coolly answered, but you noticed the flickering in his brightness, obviously a sign for his anger.   
“You are listening now, not talking back!” His voice boomed through the vast area of your dream and you blinked. Okay, he was the authoritative kind of angel, you got it.   
“I know you might think that your life can’t get any worse, but trust me, I can make it worse. So you will listen now like a good little abomination, no interruptions, or you will get a taste of what I’m capable of.” He was almost hissing now and you swallowed but refused to nod or even lower your head, no matter how overwhelming the urge was. You simply stared at him, the brightness of his halo almost blinding you, and waited for him to continue.  
“I take your unspoken answer as a yes. Good. You are allowed to stay where you are, but you won’t get near to the Winchesters again. They come back, you leave. Simple, right? Even you should be able to remember that.”   
You glared at him and his cocky attitude, the arrogance that rolled off him in waves. Sickening.  
“If not I will come and get you, take you somewhere – safe.” The way he said that word was making your stomach churn. Whatever he was thinking of, safe didn’t mean pleasant.   
“And if you think about going against me – that Bobby, he’s rather old, right? Drinks a lot. Might get problems with his liver. It could be gone one day, just like that.” He grinned even wider and leaned towards you, prompting you to take a step backwards although there was still plenty of space between you.   
“I could take everything nice and good that’s left in your life. And once I did that, I could take even a step further.” With a snap of his fingers another figure appeared.  
“Mom…”  
He looked at the slightly transparent version of your mother. “She’s with us, you know? In heaven. Of course I could change that. Make her heaven worse than hell.”  
She was looking right through you, just like you could look through her. Maybe he was bluffing, maybe he was serious. You couldn’t tell but you knew you couldn’t risk it. Not after everything you had learned so far.  
You swallowed the bile that had risen and clenched your fists. Zachariah snapped again and your mother – or maybe just the image of her, you couldn’t say – vanished, just like that.   
“So, do you understand me? No playing doctor with them, not even saying hello. They arrive, you leave. I don’t care where you go, just go. Don’t provoke my wrath.” With a last patronizing glance and a nod he vanished, too.   
When you woke up you found yourself wrapped up in your sheets. Obviously you had moved a lot in your sleep while you had been standing completely still in your dream. Your phone chimed, indicating you got a text.  
“Will come back tomorrow. Seal’s safe.”  
You needed another place to stay.


	9. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another change of scenery, albeit not one you like or would have chosen. But finally you have the time to catch up with your reading and the book Dean gave you comes in handy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I try to finish this series before I have to start a new job soon. Can't promise anything, but I guess it's only one, maybe two parts left. Thanks for your patience!

Of course you couldn’t go back to sleep after that. You went downstairs for a cup of tea or maybe a snack, anything to distract you now. Whenever you thought your life couldn’t get any more complicated, the universe proved you wrong. Despite everyone telling you a curse would be different it still felt like a curse to you. That life you led wasn’t normal, you had known that forever already. But lately it just was insane.   
“Kiddo, you still awake?”   
You jumped at the sudden voice behind you, too many unpleasant surprises had made you anxious.   
“Bobby! Jeez, warn a girl next time, will ya? Call yourself lucky I’m not a hunter, I feel I’m only another fright away from lashing out.”   
He chuckled lowly but stepped away, hands raised as if in surrender. “Didn’t want to mess with you, kiddo.”  
You exhaled loudly but smiled. This was a pinch of normalcy in the sea of crazy and you grabbed it like a lifeline.   
“What’s wrong?” he asked and stared at you. When did he get so good at reading you?  
“I have to leave tomorrow. Order from above,” you wryly said. “Good thing my bags are still packed – or better, again.” In the last few days you had gotten ready to leave so often you hadn’t even unpacked after the last time you had decided to go.   
“You know where you can stay?”  
“Don’t worry, I will find something. Maybe nothing as fancy as your home, but as long as there’s a roof and a bed I’m fine.” You smiled at him to put him at ease but it didn’t work.  
“What did they say?” he wanted to know.  
“Just that I have to stay clear from Dean and Sam.”  
“Nothin’ about me? Or other hunters?”  
You shook your head. Not even about other people in general. Just the Winchesters. Odd.   
“I might know someone… not the friendliest guy and still on the road, but he could have an eye on you.”  
You chuckled briefly. It was sweet how he worried about you, actually someone who liked you despite all the mess you brought with you.   
“It’s okay, Bobby, I can just get a room somewhere. Maybe even around here if that makes you feel better. At least until college starts again.” It was only a temporary lodging arrangement after all, only to get you over the summer.   
“I can ask around a bit if someone rents a room. Would feel better if I knew you were safe,” he grumbled but you couldn’t help, you had to hug him on an impulse.  
“Thanks.”   
He awkwardly patted your back. “First thing in the morning, kiddo,” he promised and suddenly you felt as if you could go back to sleep without fear of dreaming.   
Bobby was on the phone the next time you came into the kitchen, motioned towards the coffee pot with his head and you poured yourself a cup, waiting for him to finish the call.   
“Good news, someone from church has a free room,” he announced once he put the phone down, noticing how you winced. “Don’t worry, it’s a nice older lady.”  
“Nice older ladies can be pretty mean, too,” you reminded him, your own experiences still fresh in your mind. “Something about me makes people hate me after all. The whole nephilim-stuff.”   
“It’s only a couple of miles down the road, so if anything strange happens I can come over in a jiffy,” he assured you and you nodded. Better than being taken away by angelic forces just for being in the same room as the Winchesters.  
“I’m going to take a shower and grab my stuff,” you said and took another sip of coffee before you got ready to leave the place where you had felt at home for the first time in forever.

Bobby had been right, Mrs. Sapner was really nice. And she welcomed you warmly after Bobby had told her that you were an orphan without family and in need for a bed for a couple of days. Of course you couldn’t stay in a house with two young men, that just wasn’t proper. She chatted on and on about moral and church but you were used to that so you simply smiled and cited some Bible verses every now and then and she seemed happy. You weren’t, not really at least, but this was better than some heavenly punishment for not obeying their stupid rules.  
You plopped down on the bed, almost sank into the mattress completely, struggling to stay on top of it and not drowning in the soft surface. This sucked. Not only the bed, the whole situation. What was wrong with being around Sam and Dean? Well, you knew the problem with being around Sam, but Dean?   
Were you really that much of a distraction? Thinking back you realized that both of them had spent several days keeping you safe and finding out more about the whole nephilim thing than actually researching the seals, but was that really that bad? Didn’t it also show their compassion? Dedication? Well, obviously the angels didn’t like that. You sighed. Could your life get any more complicated?   
Out of habit you drew a line of salt in front of the window and the door before you went to bed that night. Bobby had called and told you that the boys arrived safe and sound and you decided to turn in early after all the trouble in the last few days. You really needed some rest.   
At first you dreamed normal things, nothing that was so impressive that you would remember it. But then the dream changed, the atmosphere changed. As if you were wading through water. No, not water, something thicker. Like mud. You had to struggle for each single step, put your whole body and strength into it although you had no idea where you were heading to. There was nothing in sight. Just more of this muddy water.   
Suddenly someone grabbed your hand and pulled you up, sound of huge wings above you startling you. Castiel? That creepy Zachariah guy? Your dad?  
You looked up only to shriek in surprise and shock. Sam grinned down at you, huge golden wings sprouting from his back, carrying him over the water. He was wearing a bright white suit and you couldn’t help but trying to wriggle out of his grip. With a cruel smirk he grabbed your other hand and pulled you even higher; you feared he would let you drop so you stayed still.   
“I’ve been waiting for you,” he simply said and let you down on solid ground again. His huge wings folded behind his broad back and you could only stare at him. This was the craziest dream so far and with your history of strange dreams that really was something.  
“You know, they want to keep you from me, but they won’t manage. I will find you, you will be mine.” His smile didn’t look like him at all, it was scary actually. Completely confident.   
“Sam?” you whispered and the smile even widened.  
“Not quite. But close.” It was strange but his gaze was unnerving. You wanted to squirm, there was power and knowledge and age in his gaze, a weight that made you unable to move at all.   
“Then – who are you?” You weren’t sure if you had only thought it but also asked, but the way his smile changed, growing smug now, told you that you said that out loud.  
“Wouldn’t you want to know, little abomination? Don’t worry, you will find out soon enough. Until then let me tell you, no matter what they do, I will have you.” He nodded once and before you could ask anything else you could feel the usual dread in your stomach, telling you something was off.  
You struggled to wake up, caught in this strange dream, albeit alone now. Trapped on a small island in this strange sea of mud. You could feel the presence of someone else, but you couldn’t see anyone. Your heart raced and you just considered jumping back into the mud when a touch on your wrist startled you, the same spot that Sam-shaped figure had just gripped. You yanked your hand back and suddenly your eyes snapped open and you were wide awake. It was dark in your room but you could see him nonetheless.  
“Sam?”   
He only stared at you but this time there wasn’t this feeling of – of eternity weighing down on you. No, this time he was much more familiar but not in a good way. You could see his pupils, blown, the predatory grin, showing too much teeth. This time you didn’t hesitate, you instantly pushed him off you, putting all your strength in it, too.   
The nephilim blood finally showed, the shove you gave him slammed him into the wall, almost right through it. He left a huge dent in the surface but you didn’t wait to see it, instead you bolted out of the room, down the stairs, through the front door – right into an unfamiliar room. You stopped in your tracks, almost tripped over your own feet and when you turned around there was no door. Only a wall.   
“Haven’t I told you to stay clear of the Winchesters?” The voice didn’t sound angry, it was more a smug ‘I told you so’. You turned further until you could see Zachariah.  
“Sorry, but I had no say in this,” you huffed and crossed your arms in front of you, glaring at him.  
“You better be a bit grateful, Missy, you never know what could have happened to you if I hadn’t brought you here.” He straightened up and stared at you, his wings almost intimidating spread out behind him.   
“I would have kicked his ass, that’s what would have happened.” Your confidence was only show and you both knew it, his smirk gave him away.  
“Are you sure? Because when I found you, you were just on the run. No kicking involved.”  
“So what? Didn’t you tell me I was some kind of superhuman? Stronger than a demon? And Sam isn’t even a real demon. Plus his demon bending doesn’t work on me, I’m not a demon after all.” You knew you had no chance against an angel, but a demon shouldn’t be a problem.  
“Demon bending?” His exasperated look made you grin.   
“Yeah. Like the avatar. Don’t you ever watch TV?” For once you were the one to surprise, the one who made the angel speechless. Of course that was only short-lived. Obviously Zachariah didn’t like being the butt of a joke. He glared at you, seemingly getting bigger.  
“Are you aware that I could wipe you out with a snap of my finger?” he hissed and you flinched lightly.  
“But you don’t. There have been so many opportunities for you, for Castiel, for demons – but no one killed me so far! So I guess you still need me for something and if that’s the case you won’t kill me at all.”   
The tick in his jaw, the tension in his body – you had hit a nerve.   
“I might not be allowed to kill you – YET – but I can make this as unpleasant as possible for you. You won’t leave here, not before I got what I want.” He spat these words towards you and for a moment you feared he would hit you, but he only vanished, leaving you in a room without door or window. At least it was a nice room, like some high-class suite in a classy hotel.   
But even a golden cage was still a cage. You looked over the table, laden with your favorite food and drinks. But no distraction. No books, no TV, no laptop. You sank towards the floor, ignoring the comfy looking couches. In what mess did you get yourself into this time?  
There was no way to estimate the passage of time. No window also meant no sunlight, no watch or clock and of course you didn’t have your phone. The minutes crept by uncounted and eventually you fell asleep, only to be spared of more dreams. At least something good. When you woke up again on the floor, your body hurt and your mind was restless. And you were startled when you noticed Castiel standing at the wall, looking at you.   
“How – how long are you already standing there?” you asked, slightly creeped out.   
“Two hours, 23 minutes and 37 seconds. 38. 39.” His answer was as detached as always.  
“Okay, I get it. Stop counting,” you grumpily mumbled and got up, stretched a bit to get rid of the tension in your body, your muscles clenched and sore. “For how long will you keep me here?”  
“For as long as necessary.”  
You rolled your eyes in annoyance. “Then about you zap me some stuff here? A TV maybe. And a laptop. My stuff. Books, clothes – whatever. I’m getting cabin fever coped up in here.”  
When he didn’t move you sighed. “Do the guys know where I am? Or at least that I’m safe?”  
“I informed them that we took you to safety,” he let you know.   
Good. They shouldn’t worry about you, they had better things to do. But you didn’t. You had nothing to do and staring at Castiel who kept staring at you wasn’t exactly your favorite pastime. If this was some kind of perfidious torture – and you really thought that was possible – it worked. Keeping you somewhere with nothing to do but brood was really mean; you definitely needed some kind of distraction.   
“Okay… so could you at least get me something? My bag?”  
Castiel frowned briefly but vanished only to reappear a minute later with your bag in his hand. You sighed in relief, knowing you had at least some books in there.   
“I will come and see you from time to time. In the meantime, try not to cause trouble. Zachariah isn’t happy about you being here, and neither am I.” You wonder how he can say things like that with a completely straight face but you don’t even ask.  
“Yeah, that makes three I guess. I can imagine better ways to spend my time, too.” Rummaging through your bag you didn’t even notice that Castiel vanished again, but it didn’t matter after all. In between your own stuff you find the book Dean had given you and flip it open. Since there’s nothing else to do you start reading, your own story, told by someone else.


	10. Golden cage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are still trapped but at least you get some visitors. Some questions are answered, but even more are prompted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Close to the finale! I took some dialogue lines from the episode 'Lucifer Rising' (4.22), so you see how close to the finale this part actually is. One more chapter and season 4 is done. (But I already have an idea for season 5...)

You let the book sink and stared into space, needed a moment to process what you just read. This was just too much… too much for you.   
How could they? Uncle Hank. Was this true? Did he really kill his own sister, your mother? ‘Baptizing’ her until she was drowned? Did he really believe that she was tainted? That you were, too? Why didn’t he kill you, too, then? Only to let you suffer more?  
“Humanity is a cruel species,” a voice behind you sounded but you didn’t even turn your head. Trapped in this room for god knows how long you knew there were only a couple of people – angels – that could come and go as they liked.   
“They aren’t the only ones,” you simply muttered, still staring at this spot on the wall. You knew every little inch of these walls by now, from the cream-colored wallpaper to the gold foiled decorations, the paintings of Old Masters, the expensive decorations, vases, statues and whatever. You had stared at each and every single piece for what felt like hours, unable to turn the pages in the book. And now you had, you read the passage about your mother’s death, about the strange accusations your uncle hurled at her before he drowned her.   
Because he knew. He had known what you was, he was aware who had gotten your mother pregnant. An angel. And afterwards the angel had disappeared and left your mother, pregnant and outcast, and also you.   
“Your uncle had a good idea about your purpose, and yet he had no clue at all. Keeping you in that town to face your destiny – pretty sappy, isn’t it? And who had thought that your destiny would come in form of a hunter?” Zachariah’s tone was gloating, taunting. You kept your mouth shut, there was no use in talking to him. You had quickly realized that he only liked the sound of his own voice, he wasn’t interested in actual conversations, his opinions and beliefs absolute.   
“If we had found you earlier we could have archived so much more.” He now almost sounded disappointed, regretful, but that changed quickly.  
“Well, we found a good use for you anyway, didn’t we? Keeping the Winchesters occupied until some more seals could be broken. Good job, by the way.”  
You gritted your teeth, clenched your fists but stayed silent.   
“Don’t worry, it’s almost done. Only a bit longer and I’m sure we can all laugh about this later.”  
Yeah, as if. You felt the overwhelming urge to bash his head in every time you saw his smug, patronizing grin. However, now your thoughts were otherwise occupied. You didn’t even care for Zachariah, let him ramble on. He didn’t say anything new anyway. But this book – that gave you some new information. Answers to some very old questions. 

You had already read about your encounter with Tyler, from a third person’s point of view this time. This Edlund guy made it sound as if you were a warrior princess, striking down five guys in one blow. There was too much focus on the action, not enough on the panic and shock you had actually felt. But the book wasn’t about you after all, it was about Sam and Dean and how they experienced the whole week with you. It was really strange to be only a supporting character in the story of your own life but really interesting to read about the things they did when you were not with them.   
Like the conversation between the Winchesters and your aunt Mallory. The way Stella had flirted with Dean (good thing you had warned him the chapter before not to actually touch her).   
The episode about Sam searching your house for signs of witchcraft. You actually laughed at the image of that tall guy crawling into every nook and canny of that huge house, finding your hidden stash of candies that you had kept for over seven years. You bet they were already molten when he found them.   
But it hurt to read how they suspected you at first, the fact that you were the outcast, the weird girl living outside of town, the black sheep of the flock.   
And when you reached the passage about Dean and you swimming in the river – something that you hadn’t experienced as THAT suggestive and sexy – that moment when you told him about your mother, how she had drowned in the river… Edlund had added a flashback there about the real occurings, not what the people had told you in bits and snippets. You had to work up the courage to actually read that part, had read other passages before, basically just thumbing through the book, stopping at whatever page caught your eye. Of course Zachariah didn’t bother you once during that time, but now that you really felt awful, now he had to zap in and add to your confusion. As if he had been waiting for this. Like some vulture.   
“I know you think we are the bad guys here, but believe me, we are not. And once paradise is established on earth you will understand. Of course you won’t be allowed there, being a monster and all. But don’t you worry, we will find a nice little spot for you somewhere.”   
When he finally noticed that you ignored him, that he couldn’t rile you up Zachariah scoffed and vanished again, leaving you to heave a sigh at his obnoxious behavior. You returned your attention to the book.  
How could they have been mistaken about the cause of the strange stuff back in your hometown so often? They had thought you were a witch, Dean had thought the ghost of your mother would haunt the town after your swim in the lake, they had obviously even considered a curse – as if you hadn’t suspected that all along, although not in the literal sense. How could they still try to fight and fix things even if they had no idea what was going on? Where did they take their courage, their confidence from?   
And now they were fighting Apocalypse and you were trapped in some stupid room, like some princess locked up in a tower. You hated it. Alone with your thoughts you grew more and more restless. What good was it to now have some answers when you couldn’t help at all? When you still had no idea why they kept you there?  
You didn’t want to read anymore after the last revelation. Well, at least some of Mallory’s last words made sense now. After glancing around the room and finding it otherwise empty, at least when it came to angels, you decided to take a nap. The only good thing about being here was the fact that you didn’t dream. Not at all. 

Curled up on some couch in a corner you woke up to yelling voices. Now, that was new, and new was good. Different was good, you were bored out of your mind after some days, maybe a week? You weren’t sure, but after all this time in this room every little change was welcome. Especially this.  
It was definitely Dean’s voice and he seemed to talk to Zachariah. Or better, argue with him.   
“All the seals have fallen – except one.” Zachariah still sounded rather calm but you kept your eyes closed, the head down. You could tell this wasn’t the time to interrupt.   
Dean made a sarcastic comment and Zachariah   
‘You stared all this.’ These words echoed in your head, distracted you from their conversation. What did he start? It got harder and harder to pretend not to be there, not to overhear, but the way they yelled at each other made you want to hide somewhere. You didn’t want to step between them now.   
So you waited until Zachariah hissed an order to obey and vanished, taking Castiel with him but leaving Dean behind.   
“Son of a bitch!” It sounded as if he had punched something, the wall probably. But you definitely were alone with him.   
“Dean?” you carefully asked, not sure if he even knew you were there, too.   
“What the-? Kiddo, that you?” He stared at you, still heavily breathing, still angry and frustrated but that anger wasn’t directed at you.  
“What is happening? Why are you here? Where is Sam?” Did they come to bail you out? Why? Castiel should have told them that you were at least safe, albeit close to losing your mind out of sheer boredom and frustration.  
“The damned Apocalypse is happening,” he bitterly said, looking tired and almost hopeless.   
“What? Already?!” You stared at him, unable to belief his words. “Geez, I leave you alone for a couple of days and you boys really mess it up, huh?” You slumped back down on the couch, running you hands through your hair.  
“Couple of days? Kid, you were gone for over two weeks. Have you been here all the time?” He looked around the room, taking in all the religious paintings and pieces of art.  
“Yeah. Cozy, isn’t it?” You sighed. “I take you’re not here because you want to, huh?”  
He plopped down on another couch. “Nah. Kinda got zapped here against my will.”   
“And Sam?” You couldn’t imagine that he left Sam behind, so he had to be close, right?  
“Sammy’s – dammit, kiddo, Sam’s in some really deep shit.” He jumped up again and started pacing the floor. The lush carpet muffled the steps of his heavy boots. “He’s been – he’s been drinking demon blood to enhance his powers. Turned his back on me and left with that demon bitch.”  
You blinked. Wow. “That Ruby chick?”   
Dean stopped and frowned, looked at you suspiciously. “Yeah. What do you know about her?”  
You shrugged. “Not much. Just her name and that she’s a demon. Got some good knife. It’s in that book.” You pointed towards the coffee table next to you, the Edlund book sitting on top. He nodded slowly.  
“Oh. Yeah. Her.” He almost spat the last word out and you didn’t ask any further about her.  
“Demon blood, you say? Well, that would explain why he felt so – strange to me. And even that one night…” You didn’t have to say what night you were talking about, the way Dean drew a sharp breath was sign enough that he saw the connection, too.   
“You could tell, couldn’t you? That something was wrong?” The accusation in his tone made you flinch a bit but you refused to feel guilty. You had tried to tell him and he had brushed you off – more or less.   
“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice already. You just didn’t want to see it.” You said it as a fact, not as accusation. And you understood why he did it, why he had closed his eyes at what was in front of him.   
But you had hit him hard with this. He slumped down, shoulders sagged and head hung low.   
“Yeah, you – you’re right. Dammit! I didn’t think it would get THAT bad…”   
You wanted to comfort him, tell him he didn’t do anything wrong, that you could still fix this – all lies and you knew it, he would know it but still. Seeing him like this, desperate, giving up hope and blaming himself for all of this… it broke your heart.  
“What – what did he mean? When he said you started this?” Your voice was merely a whisper, you half feared and half hoped he wouldn’t hear you.   
“That I started this. I broke the first seal.” He huffed a bitter laugh, a sound that made you flinch. “When I died, I ended up in hell. Did things I’m not proud of. Broke the first seal and now I have to clean up my mess.”  
Suddenly you understood why he was so different this time. Back then when he knew he would die he was almost carefree and now? He had to carry the burden of having caused the end of the world. 

You didn’t talk much, but somehow it was good not to be alone anymore. Dean paced the room like a tiger in a cage and Castiel zapped in once or twice, but they only argued and you wished the angel wouldn’t come back so that Dean could calm down a bit. He was like a ticking bomb, ready to explode. And you really hoped you wouldn’t be within his sphere of influence when it happened.   
It was funny how Zachariah ignored you and only talked to Dean when he was there, but you didn’t mind. You didn’t have anything to say to him anyway, at least nothing that wouldn’t get you into more trouble. But you could listen and when Zachariah left you heard it. “God has left the building.”  
You remembered everything about Sam’s wild theory that you were some kind of lure for god and suddenly you even thought it was possible. But why hadn’t He showed Himself yet? Wasn’t your mere existence enough? Did they expect you to dance or something? Perform a weird ritual?   
Dean didn’t bother talking to you and you were lost in thought the next time Castiel zapped in. Typical. For days they had left you to brood on your own and now that Dean was here it was like Grand Central Station. Dean almost dropped his phone, Castiel had startled him by popping up just like that again.  
“You can't reach him, Dean. You're outside your coverage zone.”   
You sucked in a harsh breath, a bit taken off guard yourself.   
“What are you gonna do to Sam?” Dean was looking intimidating, tall and broad, anger rolling off him in waves.   
“Nothing. He's going do it to himself.” Castiel seemed unfazed but you were almost trembling. No matter what you thought about Sam, no matter how much he scared you, repelled you, there was an underlying threat in the truth Castiel was definitely telling you. Whatever was going to happen, Sam had chosen it. And that was scarier than anything else.   
They argued again and you just couldn’t get a word in edgewise, it was as if you weren’t even there. As if you couldn’t do anything at all. Again.   
“Destiny? Don't give me that ‘holy’ crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families – that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?” Dean’s anger, his torment, the weight of his own guilt had you tear up, you clutched that stupid book in your hands as if it was an anchor to sanity.   
“What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.”  
“And who says that he needs paradise for that? Or will even end up there?” you finally piped up. Both turned towards you with startled expressions; they had actually completely forgotten about you. You cleared your throat.  
“Paradise – it’s a lie, isn’t it? An illusion. Every soul has its own heaven, molded after their personal idea of heaven, right?” You had overheard something like this before, during one of Zachariah’s usual rants. “Who says that Dean’s paradise will be like that? I don’t think that his soul will be able to accept peace when all he did in the face of the impending Apocalypse was sitting around twiddling his thumbs. I know he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. I just know.”  
No matter how hard it was for you to actually look at Castiel, you did it now. You challenged him to at least consider your words.   
“That’s right. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! Take me to Sam. Let me stop him.”   
You never before saw Dean pleading, begging, but now you did. Not so much with his words, but with his heart. You could see it and you were damn sure that Castiel saw it, too. What didn’t mean that he was swayed by it like you were.   
“If I do that, we will all be hunted. We will all be killed.”   
“If there’s anything worth dying for... this is it.” A last attempt to change Castiel’s mind and you nearly cried when he shook his head, vanished under the Dean's curses.


	11. Just another story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finale! Dean needs to find Sam and you are dragged along - at least some part of the way.

Being tired seemed to become the norm for you. Your sleeping schedule was fucked up after spending weeks without a clock or daylight, and you hadn’t had a decent sleep ever since – well even before the Winchesters set a foot into your store. But lately you have only been napping, dozing off and out of sleep, never gone deep enough to even dream. And Dean didn’t sleep either. He kept pacing, tried to smash holes in the walls, searched every inch of them for hidden doors or windows. You didn’t bother telling him that you already did all that, knowing he needed at least SOMETHING to do.   
But time ticked away and with every passing minute the hope to get away, to find Sam also diminished. You were on edge, fidgeting with your hands, playing with a loose thread on your jeans shorts.   
And just like that Castiel was back, shoving Dean against a wall, unspoken questions in his eyes. A tiny nod later the angel sliced his arm with a knife and started smearing his own blood on a wall. You had seen those signs before, in a book. All that research came in handy now. For a moment you feared it would also affect you, being half angel after all, but when Zachariah zapped in and started demanding answers just to suddenly – well, it looked as if he got sucked into something that flung him far, far away in a split second, you understood that maybe you weren’t just half angel, half human. You were a naphil. The two halves of your parents made you into one whole being; a completely new one.   
You blinked once, twice.   
“He won't be gone long. We have to find Sam now.” Castiel seemed haunted, rushed. You didn’t care, as long as it meant he was on your side now. Or at least on Dean’s. You didn’t expect the angel to be a fan of your all of sudden.   
“Where is he?” Dean asked what you wanted to know, too.  
“I don't know. But I know who does.”

Lilith was the final seal. You still hadn’t wrapped your head around this, the whole dimension of deception and long term planning behind this something you just couldn’t imagine. Sam was meant to break the final seal just like Dean had broken the first. Together they would start the Apocalypse, without meaning to or even knowing.   
How sick of a game this was. Angels versus demons, but who were the good guys in this? The angels? No. The demons? Definitely not. This was a selfish war, fought on a battlefield that neither side cared for. Earth. The human realm. And every single human was meant to die in this battle. Again, neither demons nor angels cared. Where you really supposed to sit on the sidelines, let them do whatever they wanted? Destroy everything? And where the hell was God in this? Shouldn’t he protect his own creation? Shouldn’t HE care?   
Your thoughts were racing, too many questions and no time for answers while Castiel zapped you and Dean to this shabby looking house, into this messy room. To this scrawny guy who looked as if he hadn’t slept in weeks. Nice.   
“Wait. T-t-this isn't supposed to happen.”   
He was on the phone, quickly apologizes to whoever was on the other side and ended the call. Staring at Dean, Castiel and finally at you. It was – strange. Nothing you could put your finger on, but strange. Not like when Sam looked at you and definitely not like when an angel looked at you. Or Dean.   
“We need to know where Sam is.” Dean was rushing towards the guy and you watched him, knees still wobbly from that transport. You weren’t too keen on doing that again.   
“Oh, hi Dean. Didn’t expect you to come and visit,” the guy stammered, gaze flitting between Castiel, Dean, his laptop – and you.   
“Wanna introduce your friend over there?”  
“Save it, Chuck!” Dean was ready to grab – Chuck was it, right? – to grab Chuck’s collar but you took a step towards the table, turned the laptop around and frowned.  
“Dean! What is this?”  
It was Castiel who answered your question. “A prophecy.”  
“A what?” You quickly browsed the open text document, the name on the title catching you off guard.  
“You are Carver Edlund?” You turned towards Carver/Chuck and he shrugged briefly, almost apologetically.   
“Yeah, that would be me. It’s my pen name. I’m Chuck.” He raised his hand for an awkward wave and you simply nodded, eyes back on the screen.  
“Listen guys, this is – shit, this is serious. You’re not supposed to find him. Or to get even close to where he is.” Chuck sighed and practically slumped down a bit, eyes going straight to the bottle of scotch on the table.   
“You know that won’t stop me,” Dean grunted and you scoffed.  
“’Us’. That won’t stop ‘us’.” Your tone left no room for discussion but of course Dean made some.  
“No. You’re not coming. Cas, when we’re done here I want you to take her to Bobby’s. Got that?”  
“You are not going alone!” you yelled at him, looking up from the laptop.   
Chuck watched your argument in silence, eyes wide. “You are that half angel chick, aren’t you?”  
“A naphil, but yes,” you grumbled, still glaring at Dean.  
“No. No, no, no, you can’t – you absolutely CAN’T go there.” Chuck seemed even more scared now and you shifted your attention towards him.  
“Why not?” It was a simple question, although you already knew that the answer wouldn’t be simple. Nor pleasant.

“Just – trust me, okay? You CAN’T go there.” Chuck grabbed his glass and took a very long swig of his liquor while you stared from Castiel to Dean, but they seemed just as confused as you were.  
“He? He might have a chance. You? I guess the whole universe would just explode. Poof! All gone.”   
“He IS the prophet.” Castiel seemed to believe Chuck and so far you had no reason to doubt Castiel – despite the whole ‘I’m going to smite you’ thing when you first met.   
You turned your gaze back towards the screen.  
“Saint Mary’s. Ilchester, Maryland. And Dean Winchester, I swear, if you make me believe you died again although you’re still alive – well, this time you will wish you really were dead, okay?”   
You glared at him and he nodded. “Got it, sweetheart. And you take care of Bobby, okay?”  
There was no hug, no last farewell kiss, not even a handshake. You just nodded and he did the same before he turned back to Chuck.  
“St. Mary's? What is that, a convent?”  
Chuck still seemed uncertain what to do.  
“Yeah, but you guys aren't supposed to be there. You're not in this story.”  
Castiel glanced at Dean and exhaled audibly. “Yeah, well... We're making it up as we go.”  
Suddenly the table under your hand started to tremble. You thought it maybe was an earthquake but the very bright light that suddenly appeared together with the reactions of the others made clear that this was even worse. Much, much worse.   
“It’s the archangel! I'll hold him off! I'll hold them all off! Just stop Sam!“ With that Castiel raised his hand towards Dean, touched his forehead and Dean was gone. Just like that.   
“Archangel? That’s not good, is it?” you asked, already knowing the answer. Castiel didn’t like you, Zachariah didn’t either and if you could believe them no angel did. So archangels would mean real trouble, wouldn’t they?   
The light came closer, enveloped the whole house.   
“So, you want a drink?” Chuck asked, this was obviously too much for him.   
“Not legal yet – you know what? Yeah, I would love a drink. Hey, you’re a prophet, right? Are you human?”   
He handed you the bottle and shrugged. “I think so. Why?”  
“Because this sounds like the beginning of a really lame joke. An angel, a human and something in between are having a drink…”   
“You are a really weird girl. I think I like you.” There was something like awe in his gaze and you frowned.  
“You’re not hitting on me, are you? I mean, Apocalypse, the archangel will be here in – what? Half a minute? Are you trying to play the ‘this could be the last night of lives’ card?”  
“The archangel won’t hurt him. It is his duty to keep the prophet safe,” Castiel let you know, still reading the text on the screen. “You, on the other hand…”  
“Hey, Mr. ‘I just betrayed my boss’, you shouldn’t talk. I bet your boss’ boss won’t be too happy to see you here, either,” you shot back and took a swig from the bottle just to cough and almost spit it out again. “Oh god, this is awful! What is this? Turbs?!”   
Chuck laughed and took the bottle back. The light got even brighter. He was almost there. Obviously in no rush, that archangel. Hopefully that was a good sign for you. You just wanted to ask Castiel something when you noticed that he was gone.  
“What the…? Castiel? Hey! You were supposed to take me to Bobby’s!!!” You yelled and cursed, searched the room for him but obviously he was gone.   
“Dammit! Stupid angel!” you cursed only to wince when the light got even brighter.   
“Don’t worry, I’m still here,” Chuck tried to cheer you up. Great. A human against an archangel. Even if they really wouldn’t harm him, there was no way he could actually protect you.   
“And so am I.”   
You froze. Closed your eyes and exhaled. This was going to be bad.   
“Zachariah,” you acknowledged his presence.   
“In the flesh. Sending me away was a bit – drastic, but don’t worry. I don’t hold it against you. At least not for now. No, your friends might have abandoned you, but we – we still see potential in you.”   
It was as if a hurricane was raging outside, wind howled and the doors and windows of the small house rattled. And inside everything was calm. Bright and calm. Chuck cleared his throat but Zachariah shot him a hard glare.  
“This is not your business, prophet. This was not what you have foretold at all, huh?”   
Chuck closed his mouth and swallowed. You couldn’t blame him for that, you were scared, too.   
“You better go and write us a new prophecy. And you, little abomination, you are coming with me.” 

So you were back in the green room. The archangel didn’t smite you in the end and neither did Zachariah. Whatever they were planning, you seemed to play a part in it whether you liked it or not. At least Chuck promised to let Bobby know what had happened to you. Everything else – well, you had to wait and see. Sitting in the green room with your Carver Edlund book – Chuck’s book, whatever – you couldn’t help but worry about Sam and Dean.   
There had been a strange moment when you felt the world shift, like entering an electric field. But since nothing else happened you didn’t know what to think about it. Had Apocalypse begun? Was the world already tumbling into the abyss?   
You couldn’t ask anyone. Zachariah had disappeared right after dropping you off, demanding that you ‘behaved’. You had no idea what he was expecting you to do, there was no escape after all.   
And you were still wondering why Chuck had told you to stay away from wherever Dean was going. That Dean himself didn’t want you near was no surprise, although you still were a bit hurt because of that. Rejection always stung but even more so when he was the one rejecting you. Anyway, everyone seemed to think to know what was best for you, what you were capable of and what not. While you still doubted that you could do anything out of ordinary at all.   
So once again you flipped the book open, wondering how your life would be now if they never had come into the shop, if you had never laid your eyes on the giant and green eyes. You wondered if they were still alive, out there. If you had any impact on their life at all after they had turned yours upside down. And since no one could answer you these questions you sighed and returned your attention to the book, to the strange events of last summer, a summer that seemed so far away and as if didn’t really belong to your life. As is if all that was nothing more than just another story in a book, written by someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos and comments. My idea for season 5 is still pretty vague so I will need some time to start the next story, but this isn't finished yet. I hope you had fun with this, because I certainly did.


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